Simple Journey

I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life... --Mike Donehey, 10th Ave. N.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Well.  
I see it has been almost two months since I last posted, which was not my intention at all.  I apologize for my absence here.  Recently our family has suffered several blows, which have taken all my energy to combat.  But by the grace of God, I was prepared, and all I had to do was "trust and obey".
I sat in the school counselor's office and felt the blood drain from my face.  It was as if someone had put a vacuum to my mouth and sucked out all the air.  Words raced through my mind, whirling like a storm in Central Pennsylvania.... Scriptures I'd learned as a child, long ago, flitted through my mind.  I thought of how God had proved Himself "o'er and o'er" throughout the recent months, and how strong my faith had grown.  Was it all to crumble so quickly and so soon?  How could He do this to me??!
The words the counselor had just spoken echoed in my head, as if trying to gain admittance to a locked gate.  Over and over I rallied, and the terror at the pit of my stomach would retreat, only to come again as my human mind returned humanly to its human workings: "MY child?? MY child???  Never!!!  This CANNOT be!!"  But it was.  And I was sitting in this office receiving one of the most horrific pieces of news a parent can hear about a child.  A deep depression had caused this one to do something  dark and fearsome, something which I had no experience with, except having heard about other people's kids doing it, seemingly because they have no Savior.  This child had a Savior, knew the Savior, had chosen to follow the Savior.  This made NO sense to me, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually.  This sword pierced my mother soul.
As I've told previously, I had been on a journey with Beth Moore, Bible Study teacher extraordinaire, along with women at my church, through video.  We had just completed "Stepping Up: A Journey Through the Psalms of Ascent" together about two weeks prior to this fell news.  As I've recounted, I found my faith growing by leaps and bounds throughout the six weeks I walked that way.  The Lord showed Himself to me in such uncertain terms there was no mistaking His being or His choosing of me a daughter in His kingdom.  Nor His promises.
In the last video with Beth, she talked about how we'd had such a blessed time together on the journey.  She told us that though we would leave there, we'd take memories with us, but not just memories.  She said we'd take the blessings of what we'd learned on the journey home with us.  And she told us we'd need them, oh yes.  Because as soon as we left that place we were entering the mission field, where the enemy was devoted to our fall.  She told us to be steadfast, to stand firmly beside one another, and she told us something else.  
When the Israelites were preparing to fight a battle they were sure to lose, as they were outnumbered vastly, the Holy Spirit spoke to one of the crowd and instructed Jehoshaphat thus:
"Listen, all Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem and King Jehoshaphat: thus says the Lord to you, 'Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God's.  Tomorrow go down against them.  Behold, they will come up by the ascent of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the alley in front of the wilderness of Jeruel.  You need not fight in this battle; station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem."  (2 Chron. 20:15-17)  
Well, Jehoshaphat was awed, of course, and he and everyone bowed down to the Lord, then they stood up and praised Him "with a very loud voice." (v. 19)  And the next day, when the battle was to be waged, Jehosphaphat instructed them thus:
"Listen to me, O Judah and inhabitants of Jerusalem, put your trust in the Lord your God,  and you will be established.  Put your trust in His prophets and succeed."  And when he had consulted with the people, he appointed those who sang to the Lord and those who praised Him in holy attire, as they went out before the army and said, "Give thanks to the Lord, for His lovingkindness is everlasting."
And when they began singing and praising, the Lord set ambushes against the sons of Ammon, Moab, and Mount Seir, who had come against Judah; so they were routed." (2 Chron. 20: 20b-22)
With the verses still whirling in my head, I grasped onto one Word that had come to me the night before I was to have two teeth pulled for orthodontics, the very next day after the last study session.  I had mentioned to my pastor how I had never been put under with general anaesthetic before, and even before I could voice my fear the only words out of her mouth were: "No fear".  She kept repeating that, saying of course she would pray for me.  But it was all I needed then.
And it was all I needed now.  Sitting in that chair which was the only thing holding me up until then, I wrapped my bowline or towline, whichever the seaman's right word is, around that fence post so tight nothing on earth or under it could have separated me from the words: "No fear".  I remembered then, what Beth had said.  I began to listen to the counselor's words explaining that my child had only done this once, and was very worried about being embarrassed, and wanted to get help for this problem.  I listened as she listed resources, and spoke of the wonderful, amazing person I've been gifted to live with and to help raise.  
And then I spoke of God.  I told the counselor I needed a minute, because there was no way I could walk this road without my God.  I told the counselor I don't know how anyone can walk this road without God, because I've tried it, and without Him I would not be sitting in that room right now, but would have turned and run as far away as I could get from this problem.  Because there is no help for it without God.  She nodded kindly.  I don't know if she agreed, and I don't care, because that battle is God's too.
My child came and I allowed my pain to show.  We melted in each other's arms, and there was healing.  We are still on this difficult road, but we are not walking it alone.  We have professionals to help, yes, but really the only Helper we need was always there, we just needed to remember and trust.  And we are walking toward in the light of His presence.
I went home that day and my child went to a friend's house.  My soul longed for music to soothe.... and the first thing I grabbed up from my pile of CD's was our practice CD for the Sanctuary Choir's benefit concert for Senegal.  We had raised over $30,000 a few weeks before singing these songs, and I loved them.  So I put the CD in and began washing dishes.  I thought of Beth's words in the video.  She had said when the enemy attacks we're going to want to run and hide, or we're going to want to fight back in our human way.  But it's God's way that will win, not ours.  She told us not to run to the back of the army, but to put ourselves out front and center, not with weapons of battle, but with songs of praise.
That afternoon I put this into practice.  I would have done ANYTHING to ensure a victory in this battle.  As the CD played I sang along with every song.  It lifted my spirits, this is true.  But it wasn't that I am telling you this for.  It was that after some time it suddenly hit me that every song in that concert had been a song of PRAISE!  And it was praise I needed just now.  As I sang the next song, "All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name", with an almost primitive tune and rhythm, I realized the satan was falling like a lightening bolt from his position over my child.  I know this sounds rather fanciful to some and scarily charismatic to others, but it is just exactly what I thought while I sang the words.
All hail the pow'r of Jesus' name,
Let angels prostrate fall.
Bring forth the royal diadem
And crown Him Lord of all,
And crown Him Lord of all!
How sweet the name of Jesus sounds
In a believer's ear!
It soothes his sorrows, heals his wounds, 
and drives away his fear.
It makes the wounded spirit whole,
And calms the troubled breast;
'Tis manna to the hungry soul,
And to the weary rest.
All hail the pow'r of Jesus' name,
Let angels prostrate fall.
Bring forth the royal diadem
And crown Him Lord of all,
And crown Him Lord of all!
Dear Name! the Rock on which I build,
My shield and hiding place,
My never failing treas'ry, filled
With boundless stores of grace.
Jesus, my Savior, shepherd, friend,
My prophet, priest, and king,
My Lord, my life, my way, my end,
Accept the praise I bring.
All hail the pow'r of Jesus' name,
Let angels prostrate fall.
Bring forth the royal diadem
And crown Him Lord of all,
And crown Him Lord of all!
Weak is the effort of my heart,
And cold my warmest thought;
But when I see thee as thou art,
I'll praise thee as I ought.
Till then I would thy love proclaim
With every fleeting breath;
And may the music of they name 
Refresh my soul in death.
All hail the pow'r of Jesus' name,
Let angels prostrate fall.
Bring forth the royal diadem
And crown Him Lord of all,
And crown Him Lord of all!
And crown Him Lord of all!!
(Edward Perronet, John Newton)
That night was choir practice.  A twinge of a desire to stay home and nurse my wounds tugged at my mind.  But I knew that was the wrong choice.  I knew that a soldier of the cross was called to go to the forefront of this battle and fight by singing praises.  And so I went.  And the piece we rehearsed first seemed to tell me I'd made the right choice.
My Jesus I love Thee, I know Thou art mine.
For Thee all the follies of sin I resign.
My gracious Redeemer, My Savior art Thou.
If ever I love Thee,
My Jesus,
'Tis now.
(William R. Featherstone)
Go in peace.  Serve the Lord with singing.
Thanks be to God!
Simply yours,
Patty