Simple Journey

I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life... --Mike Donehey, 10th Ave. N.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Ramblings on a Fat Tuesday


Tuesday. Mardi Gras. Fat Tuesday. Fastnacht. Shrove Tuesday. Ash Wednesday Eve.

No woman ever grows up planning to live all on her own with no one to share life with, unless she is messed up in the head. Not my dream, this. But who ever said God gives us our heart’s desire? Oh yeah, only King David, right….. And Solomon, the wisest king who ever lived.  But have I done what’s necessary first? How does the Psalm go?

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart,
And lean not unto thine own understanding;
In all thy ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct thy paths.

And again: 
Delight yourself in the Lord
And He will give you the desires of your heart
Commit your way to the Lord,
Trust also in Him
And He shall bring it to pass.

Yes, David and Solomon said it. So, I have been expecting me to receive the desires of my heart without me having delighted myself in the Lord – is it that? But I do so delight myself in the Lord! Or maybe they meant delight only in the Lord….? Is God that picky?

Do I trust in the Lord with all mine heart? Good question. I don’t think so. I think I trust in Him with just a tiny bit of my heart and none of my mind, leaning most often unto mine own understanding. 

Do I acknowledge Him in all my ways? Just what does it mean to acknowledge Him? And do we ever do anything in all our ways? Or what does that phrase mean? And what is it exactly that He shall bring to pass? My desires? My dreams? My plans? Just my stinking schedule for this day alone?! Please!

Commit your way to the Lord – commit is a scary word. I shy away from commit. I don’t like commit. Commit means forever you are going to have to do this, even when your heart calls you elsewhere. Commit is a word not found in the ADDers dictionary. Commit, if done at all by the ADDer, is only done at his or her own prompting. And when it is done it is called Focus, and it is done entirely, completely, whole-heartedly and unswervingly. Commit does not exist by that name for me. So let’s use the word Focus. I love Focus.

I Focus on sewing and quilting and crocheting and knitting very well. When I do beautiful things emerge eventually. But I can’t Focus and make beautiful things and be a good wife and mother at the same time. So I don’t Focus anymore. But right now I guess I am Focusing on this Scripture. So maybe I can do this thing.

But now that I’ve examined that tangent, I must admit that my Focus is not the same as David or Solomon’s Commit. My Focus is self centered, coming from my own mind, emanating from my own ideas, directed only by me. David wrote of committing all that to God. I think he was trying to say I have to give up that autonomy, which is why I run from the word commit so immediately and like lightening.

ADDers don’t give up their autonomy, ever, because we’ve found ourselves stuck in boring, creativity-crushing places all too frequently because of a mere commitment of our autonomy to somebody else. And we honor our commitments.

I don’t want to commit anything to You, Lord – let’s be honest here, because You know anyway. I don’t want to commit – give up to You – anything in my life. I have seen how You devalue people, how You toss away lives like chaff or dust. I have watched You throw away programs and beautiful things already in place that help people, nurture them, create a space for those who have none – and all after those who made these constructs committed them to You. I can’t trust anything to You. Not my ideas, not the desires of my heart, not my life’s dreams, certainly not my children!

Because You don’t really care about them like I do.
In my world I am god, not You.
I can trust myself.
Far better than You.

And that’s exactly why my dreams lie in ruins all about me; my children struggle daily with things I took completely for granted growing up in the playland I did; my family lives in chaos more often than not, not one of us feeling as valued as we really are; and I look back with regrets over a life that didn't turn out at all as I planned it.

So, Lord, thank You for listening to my little diatribe. I guess I don’t make a very good god for myself or my family. I guess I’ve done a completely rotten job of introducing them to the real God, the One who truly can carry their sorrows and light their way in the world. Please help me commit my way unto Thee. Help me acknowledge You in all my ways. Because I want You to bring “it” to pass, whatever “it” may be, as only You know what that is and whether “it” is good for me and mine. 

Thank You, Lord.

Simply thank You.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Sad News in my Inbox

Oh, it's not sad news about any of my family, or anyone extremely close to me, really. It's not sad in that someone died. It's just sad, and it's news, and it's about two very wonderful people who have already had more than seems their fair share of troubles. But it was in my Inbox, and it makes me sad.

To one I returned a prayerful message of support. To the other I did not yet, as the news came via a mass mailing generated by our church choir director. I will send this person a message when I have something better to say besides, "How sad!".

That's why I'm here right now. I've come here to process this news and this feeling, and hopefully come out of this time with peace and words of support for my friends. Already I have a starting point, a verse which came to me as I typed the message to one friend.

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." Psalm 28:7

I love this verse. I am a singer from birth. When I'm happy, I sing. When my heart is hurting, I seek a song to express it. When I doubt, or strive in prayer for words, it's the words of songs that I think of first. I thought first of this hymn:

"When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
"It is well, it is well with my soul."

From there words simply flowed, from the Spirit to the page, and I found myself typing a prayer just thought up on the spot that fit the circumstance perfectly. These were not my words, I am a bumbler when it comes to words, which is why I sing - somebody else can think them up much better than I! I guess Somebody did.


So just now, while attempting to remember why I thought I had to type this in here, on the Oprah show my son was watching in the next room there came a singer who performed the "Hallelujah" from Shrek that I've loved for years. How right for my mood, how perfect the words for my friend's situations! I once had a pastor who preached an entire sermon on this song. That was before I ever saw Shrek. I can't hear it now without crying at some point. I've learned what "it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah" really means.

Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah lyrics

And I think I know why that pastor took the entire sermon slot to expound upon a pop song not many had yet even heard. His point, if I remember right (and that's debatable), was that the singer kept on singing "Hallelujah". He kept on singing it, over and over. He said that's the life of faith, that someone decides that his praise is broken, his life means nothing, his hope is dead - but he keeps on singing "Halleujah". Doesn't stop. Goes on and on, singing this one word: "Hallelujah".

This word is Hebrew הַלְּלוּיָהּ. In our favorite church Latin it's Alleluia. Means the same thing. From Wikipedia:

In the Hebrew Bible hallelujah is actually a two-word phrase, not one word. The first part, hallelu, is the second-person imperative masculine plural form of the Hebrew verb hallal. However, "hallelujah" means more than simply "praise Yah", as the word hallel in Hebrew means a joyous praise, to boast in God, or to act madly or foolishly.The second part, Yah, is a shortened form of the name of God YHWH, sometimes rendered in English as "Yahweh" or "Jehovah". in Hebrew means a joyous praise, to boast in God, or to act madly or foolishly.

So, praise God. Praise God when your daughter's upcoming marriage dissolves and simultaneously you're summoned to defend yourself in a court of law - you, a fine, upstanding citizen and humble Christian. Praise God when you've walked with a family member through their own personal hell, then buried one of your best friends, then your wife gets breast cancer. Praise God. Praise God when you receive your notice this time that your job is being cut, and you just put your daughter in an expensive college because it's the right thing to do for her. Praise God. Do this mad, this crazy thing, and do it in a joyous way!

Not because we're happy. Not because we think if we do God will remove the horrors and the heartache from us. Not because we're good mules and do what we're told. Not because we just always have so we always will because we're creatures of good habit. Not because we're afraid if we don't we'll go to hell when we die of this thing.

We praise God in horrible times because we praise God! We praise God in terribly sad times because we praise God! We praise Him alike in good and in bad, knowing exactly what's coming next and knowing nothing about tomorrow; anticipating good things and fearing the worst. Praise God!

We can't hold it together, folks. We try and we try so hard we break with trying to hold all the pieces in place long enough to take one crummy picture to remember the moment by. But we can't do it. We're a cold and broken people, and if we don't realize it and start foolishly singing a cold and broken Hallelujah, we're going to disappear entirely, because we're not strong enough to exist in and of our human selves. Nope. Sorry. Can't do it. We're not magical beings, and all our amazing brains are only piddly compared with the universe God created.

So we choose to praise, instead of curse. We choose to walk in faith alone, when there is nothing under our feet resembling solid earth, when the rug has been pulled, when the pit of our stomachs are turned to quivering water.... because He is God, and we are His people and the sheep of His pasture, and that's what God's people do.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

We praise Him because we're His sheep and He is the Good Shepherd, who knows the sheep and just what makes us tick. He knows what we need before our requests are even on our lips, He has already answered them, provided exactly the right thing, filled the order to perfection, better than we can ourselves because He knows so much better what we truly need. 

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Sing praises to the God of your life, who is still the God of your life whether you feel happy or sad, secure or scared to death. Praise Him with singing, and praise Him with dancing. No sitting in the pew praise, this! No mumbling behind a hanky! Stand up and hit that high C! Make a spectacle of yourself, already! Go ahead and break the family rules, draw attention to yourself, stick out like a sore thumb, I dare you! Just see what singing a resounding Hallelujah! can do for your outlook.

If you think I'm talking a lot of hot air, just know that I have tried this, and I cannot describe the balm that came over me in the midst of a heart-breaking Thanksgiving celebration while my father lay wasted away in his bed down the hall and the family joined in proclaiming Psalm 136 in chorus, whether they thought I was crazy or not. Dad died the next December 29, 2002. He is now singing forever:

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
  
Someday I'll join him in harmony, but I join him every time I sing down here while I live out this life I've been called to sing through.

Hallelujah!

Simply praising,
Patty