What I Would Say to You This Saturday of Covid-19
(This post is for Kathryn Elise Rose Farrell McDonald O’Conaill – though the initial verse is for another. But after the verse, my words are only for one pair of hazel eyes.)
Comments are not needed, though a communication from the one this is for is prayed for every day.
“…but there is a God in heaven who reveals mysteries… Your dream and the visions that passed through your mind as you were lying in bed…”
-The Bible, The Book of Daniel, Chapter 2
No matter what, I remain your mother. And a mother’s love is forever and ever, and only grows with time. Don’t ever forget that. No matter how we erred, love was the reason. That we didn’t know how to show it does not really matter, in the long run. Love never dies. There will never be another human being on this earth who will love you as much as your mom and dad. And don’t forget you have a brother, who wants to love you, if you’ll only let him.
You are beautiful, and I don’t wish for you ever to have been anyone but who you are. Know that, believe it, and remember it for always. Always. I have vastly changed since I tried, without enough wisdom, to raise you in my faith. And mostly it is due to finding you, your real you, and loving you more than myself still, falling on my face before God all through Lent one year ago in repentance, waiting to be forgiven, and being lifted up by Grace to go on, working on learning the things I had blocked from my so frightened, fundamentalist-raised mind. I see what I had missed in my fear. Too late, I know, but anytime is better than never at all. Know this, because it’s true. “Perfect Love casteth out fear.” In the words of the old song, “I’ve found it so; I’ve found it so.”
I pray for you to believe in the wide, vast, all-encompassing Love of the Great Creator Spirit, whom I will always call my Father God, but you may call by another name, even not a god-like name, something from another faith tradition, no faith, whatever, it doesn’t matter. I’ve tried life without faith, and it simply does not work. Anyone who says they have survived this life totally and completely alone is lying to you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else calls God, or what name you want to give the Life-sustainer, but He/She/It/They is there, keeping humanity in existence in spite of ourselves. I choose to worship Him as a Holy Father, because all God’s promises, that I took to be for me, have always proven true. God never leaves us nor forsakes us. God with us, Immanuel, is here. And God is Love. And Love knows no bounds, and the darkness has never overcome It.
The One I know as God is beyond all language anyhow, and also infinitessimally tiny, as tiny as a Cell, a Zygote, a Fetus, a Baby, as large as a Man on a cross for no crimes, a God up from the grave leading prisoners of lies, a Vision in the great, great cloud of witnesses…. and beyond. My prayer is that you will remember God, and know that you are enfolded in the center of the Being that we know as Love personified, and hold close the certain knowledge that that God is with you, will never leave you, sticks closer than breathing, is the breath of your life forever, will never ever let you fall, has kept you your whole life through and brought you even to this very point in time together with Them.
When you want to disbelieve, or your mind can’t grasp the right side (or the left side…?) of itself long enough to believe, or however you want to think of it – when you can’t believe, just know God is greater even than your disbelief, look at your life and how on earth you have come to survive this long and think what for? Maybe that will help. It has helped me to survive this far, split in pieces by my three other family members, striving to pull myself back together in some shape, hoping always beyond hope to live into healing for not myself, but you and your brother, and even your father.
But only God can say if that is the plan. I just know it’s the only plan worth living for, and so I live. Healing, forgiveness, and love are the only reasons I exist now.
You hold that in your hands, and I hold you in my heart for always, always. When I am gone, as perhaps may happen in this curren crisis, you can look here and see, and know beyond any shadow of a doubt that you are loved, held, forgiven if there be anything to forgive, prayed for even from heaven, where the God of all prepares a place for you as He has me and your brother, and even your dad. And one day we will be reunited with all our warts washed clean off with only the shining joy remaining.
Shalom to you now, shalom, my beloved one,
May God’s full mercies bless you, my dear one,
In all your living, and through your loving,
Christ be your Shalom, Christ be your Shalom.*
Until we meet again, here or in heaven, and all your life through, may God hold you in the palm of God’s hand.
“…but there is a God in heaven who reveals mysteries… Your dream and the visions that passed through your mind as you were lying in bed…”
-The Bible, The Book of Daniel, Chapter 2
No matter what, I remain your mother. And a mother’s love is forever and ever, and only grows with time. Don’t ever forget that. No matter how we erred, love was the reason. That we didn’t know how to show it does not really matter, in the long run. Love never dies. There will never be another human being on this earth who will love you as much as your mom and dad. And don’t forget you have a brother, who wants to love you, if you’ll only let him.
You are beautiful, and I don’t wish for you ever to have been anyone but who you are. Know that, believe it, and remember it for always. Always. I have vastly changed since I tried, without enough wisdom, to raise you in my faith. And mostly it is due to finding you, your real you, and loving you more than myself still, falling on my face before God all through Lent one year ago in repentance, waiting to be forgiven, and being lifted up by Grace to go on, working on learning the things I had blocked from my so frightened, fundamentalist-raised mind. I see what I had missed in my fear. Too late, I know, but anytime is better than never at all. Know this, because it’s true. “Perfect Love casteth out fear.” In the words of the old song, “I’ve found it so; I’ve found it so.”
I pray for you to believe in the wide, vast, all-encompassing Love of the Great Creator Spirit, whom I will always call my Father God, but you may call by another name, even not a god-like name, something from another faith tradition, no faith, whatever, it doesn’t matter. I’ve tried life without faith, and it simply does not work. Anyone who says they have survived this life totally and completely alone is lying to you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else calls God, or what name you want to give the Life-sustainer, but He/She/It/They is there, keeping humanity in existence in spite of ourselves. I choose to worship Him as a Holy Father, because all God’s promises, that I took to be for me, have always proven true. God never leaves us nor forsakes us. God with us, Immanuel, is here. And God is Love. And Love knows no bounds, and the darkness has never overcome It.
The One I know as God is beyond all language anyhow, and also infinitessimally tiny, as tiny as a Cell, a Zygote, a Fetus, a Baby, as large as a Man on a cross for no crimes, a God up from the grave leading prisoners of lies, a Vision in the great, great cloud of witnesses…. and beyond. My prayer is that you will remember God, and know that you are enfolded in the center of the Being that we know as Love personified, and hold close the certain knowledge that that God is with you, will never leave you, sticks closer than breathing, is the breath of your life forever, will never ever let you fall, has kept you your whole life through and brought you even to this very point in time together with Them.
When you want to disbelieve, or your mind can’t grasp the right side (or the left side…?) of itself long enough to believe, or however you want to think of it – when you can’t believe, just know God is greater even than your disbelief, look at your life and how on earth you have come to survive this long and think what for? Maybe that will help. It has helped me to survive this far, split in pieces by my three other family members, striving to pull myself back together in some shape, hoping always beyond hope to live into healing for not myself, but you and your brother, and even your father.
But only God can say if that is the plan. I just know it’s the only plan worth living for, and so I live. Healing, forgiveness, and love are the only reasons I exist now.
You hold that in your hands, and I hold you in my heart for always, always. When I am gone, as perhaps may happen in this curren crisis, you can look here and see, and know beyond any shadow of a doubt that you are loved, held, forgiven if there be anything to forgive, prayed for even from heaven, where the God of all prepares a place for you as He has me and your brother, and even your dad. And one day we will be reunited with all our warts washed clean off with only the shining joy remaining.
Shalom to you now, shalom, my beloved one,
May God’s full mercies bless you, my dear one,
In all your living, and through your loving,
Christ be your Shalom, Christ be your Shalom.*
Until we meet again, here or in heaven, and all your life through, may God hold you in the palm of God’s hand.
Hide me in the shadow of your wings
Keep me as the apple of your eye
In the shadow of your wings I sing for joy
Who can harm me if you are for me?
Blessed be your name forever!
Keep me as the apple of your eye
In the shadow of your wings I sing for joy
Who can harm me if you are for me?
Blessed be your name forever!
All around me the waves grew high
The sea was violent with the sound of many waters
The ocean, raging, came at me at midnight
Who will save me from these powerful foes?
The sea was violent with the sound of many waters
The ocean, raging, came at me at midnight
Who will save me from these powerful foes?
The Lord is my rock and strong deliverer.
Hide me in the shadow of your wings
Keep me as the apple of your eye
In the shadow of your wings I sing for joy
Who can harm me if you are for me?
Blessed be your name forever,
And ever!
Keep me as the apple of your eye
In the shadow of your wings I sing for joy
Who can harm me if you are for me?
Blessed be your name forever,
And ever!
Amen!
(Psalmodish, 2011)
*(Song of Shalom, Mexico/Elise Eslinger, Alt.)
