Please visit my fundraising page at Mercy Corps

http://www.mercycorps.org/fundraising/patty

Dear Friends,

I know you have all been watching the news as I have, anguishing over the unfathomed losses in Haiti from the recent devestating earthquake. If you've been wondering what you can do, wonder no more! I have set up a fundraising page on the Mercy Corps site you can use to donate whatever amount you can. For now I've set a goal of $1000, but if I near that soon, I will raise the goal.

If anyone would like to match whatever amount I can raise, please let me know and I will publicize it here.

Simply aching for those families,
Patty

Now it can be Christmas

I just realized I had forgotten to post this here, so I'm sharing it late for those who haven't seen it on Facebook. As it happened, I never made those cookies. But I will simply make twice as many next year.

Patty

Thursday, December 24, 2009 at 4:15pm

 

We used to bake cookies with Mom at Christmas time, then take the plates to neighbor friends' families. It wasn't Christmas till we did that. Spritz or Press cookies, and Refrigerator Roll Dough Sugar Cookies, out of the old Betty Crocker cookbook that they re-released a few years back. (I bought one for my daughter, but she doesn't use it because it's old fashioned - oi!).

We helped Mom decorate them by lightly pressing colored sugars on them after she painted them with egg whites. Our fingers turned Christmas colors! We listened to Tennessee Ernie Ford and the Boston Pops and Perry Como, and the Robert Shaw Chorale, and a recording of carols called something like "Santa's Christmas Elves Sing Carols" that had songs like "Oh Come, Little Children" and "Up On the Housetop Reindeer Pause", which I did not hear for decades until recently.... I still turn on those records at least once in the Christmas season, usually Christmas Eve day while I bake (though I've lost the Santa's Elves one and have never seen it anywhere else). I will be baking later today (I hope!), and it will finally really be Christmas.

There are times during the season when I say, "Now it's Christmas!" Each one of these times is when something I used to do, hear, smell, taste comes back to me in reality. Baking cookies is one of the most sacred of these memories, maybe because it was passed down from our mother, and I even have her cookie cutters now because she doesn't do it anymore. The Christmas music is a given - without it there is no Christmas. I start in about October 1st, or even earlier, as I did this year because it hadn't rained in so long, when it did come back it was like Christmas in So. Cal. Christmas music is the backdrop for everything Christmas.

Then ought to come Christmas card writing, but we haven't been able to do that at the right time since the kids were born almost 19 years ago. I don't multi-task, which is evident to anyone entering our humble domicile. Stuff is strewn from one end to the other. To make a plan and follow it was the realm of youthful freedom, never to be experienced again until empty-nest time. Not that I'm looking forward to that..... How will there ever be Christmas without expectant voices and people bounding out of bed at 6:00 am on Christmas morning? Well, I'll leave that for a future time. This is about now.

Then present choosing.... oh boy. First I have to settle the bank account, then I have to settle the billed accounts, then I have to settle my conscience. Then I have to find a way to communicate with the absent and absent-minded professor of the family as to what he thinks we should give the kids this year. And plan and execute distance Christmas giving for relatives and beloved friends far away - if there is money for it. But that's all part of the game of Christmas time. Often about now I start making gifts because I can afford that and they mean so much more than store bought anyway, only to forget about a half-made afghan or set of place mats in the run up to the Big Day. Eventually I realize it was silly of me to imagine I could ever finish that handmade item in time to mail it anyway, and go out and buy something.

Then it's time to think of inviting people to our annual Musical New Year's Eve Party. Only it was really time about three months ago, because people seem to have made their New Year's Eve plans by October 1st already every year, so two people show up. But I can try, can't I? Sure!

Along about December 1st I realize I haven't got anything ordered online for anybody, and start stressing about it because I only remember what it is I want to order when I'm driving the car, which is no place to turn on the laptop and start choosing gifts I can afford from companies that can ship by Christmas. The police are taking a dim view of things like that these days, for some reason. So I remember around 1:00 am when I wake up to go to the bathroom, and can't get back to sleep till 5:00 am, which means I don't wake up till about 7:30 am, just in time to push my son into the car and recklessly drive him to the high school and shove him out the door on the corner because I refuse to sit in that long line of cars, which means he'll be late anyway. Yes, early December is a very interesting time of the Christmas season. But the choir is gearing up to it's big shebang, and that makes it more Christmas yet.

The choir does its big shebang. Sometimes I have the privilege of singing a solo, which makes it so much more special for me. I almost feel professional when I can do that. I don't do the solos I used to, that made it Christmas for my husband years ago. He used to say, "It's not Christmas until you sing that," but these old, neglected vocal chords just can't negotiate the high G in "Gesu Bambino" anymore, nor the building tessatura of "O Holy Night", especially at 11:45 pm with candles breathing all my oxygen. That used to make it Christmas. There's a lovely, young soprano who can do it quite easily now, so I let her. But it's not quite Christmas.

There used to be several other things that made it Christmas for me. One of them was caroling to the shut-ins. But in our enlightened stage of being as a Christian society (I'm talking about the Church here), Christmas caroling has been relegated to the trash heap along with Christmas parties, which used to follow the caroling, at least in my experience. It simply amazes me that a church with at least 1500 members cannot get up a caroling party to minister to our sick and aging members, and others, sometime in December. I think this will have to be a duty of mine in coming years, since others don't seem to be interested in creating that avenue of ministry. But I digress. Enough maybe to say it simply can't be Christmas completely without that activity somewhere in the calendar, preferably close to Christmas itself.

There's the tree, of course. Getting the tree was always a family activity. It was especially cherished because it was something Dad did too, and in fact we never did it without him because he was the guy strong enough to carry it, and knew just what kind of tree was healthy, etc. He drove us all around town, hitting every Scout or Lions' Club lot and the grocery and department stores' too. We sang carols all the way. We didn't have to get a tree the first time, or the second time, or even the third. We had to find the perfect tree, that all of us agreed on. Boy, that was hard! But it was good, because this time with my family, riding around town seeing the lights and city street decorations most cities don't use anymore, and singing carols was a precious heaven to me. I miss it. It's not thoroughly Christmas without it.

Often we combined tree hunting with our yearly trip to Hastings Ranch, without which Christmas simply could not come. If you don't know Hastings Ranch, you're not a Southern Californian. Ask one, they'll tell you how each street in the neighborhood was decked out in themes: Candy Cane Lane, Santa Claus Avenue, Christmas Tree Street, etc. You thought you'd been transported to the North Pole, except for the temperature! For us kids it was heaven, truly enchanting, completely escapist. When we entered the development, all arguings ceased, we broke out in song, and all joined in with one voice: "O come all ye faithful!" or "Deck the halls with boughs of holly, falalalala, la-la, la la!" or "We three kings of orient are, bearing gifts we've traversed afar..." And we pretended we were the Three Kings, traversing afar through Santa's winter wonderland. Our parents were never so happy with us. The enchantment included the lights of the valley below. Yes, it was a fairytale I've never seen anywhere else. Nothing can equal Hastings Ranch at Christmas!

Then there's wrapping and putting the presents under the tree, and baking the cookies with Mom, school presentations: with one voice each First Lutheran School class recited a portion of the Christmas Story from Luke 2, until by 8th grade we had learned the entire thing: "

1And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.

2(And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)

3And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

4And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)

5To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

6And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

7And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

8And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

9And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

10And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

11For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

12And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

15And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.

16And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.

17And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child.

18And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds.

19But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.

20And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.

But I had learned the entire thing by the second year, I think, as we listened to each other rehearsing several times before we performed it on the last day of school (or was it in church the Sunday following?). Does anyone teach children this way anymore? It's very effective, and not thoroughly Christmas without it, which is why Charlie Brown Christmas is so beloved of people our age, I guess. Another of the things that make it truly Christmas is that little cartoon. Check it out.

These childhood memories make my Christmas. Our lives are founded on memories. That's why when you take a bull-dozer and flatten a piece of property - houses, trees, fences, driveways, ivy, trash heap full of rats, three-car garage packed full of an old woman's memories, and every blade of grass that ever was on that property - you murder a vital part of a human's soul. Yet, miraculously, that part of that soul is not dead, not gone, not forgotten. It's kept alive by memories of those trees, that house, those rats in the ivy-covered trash heap, that walnut tree we used to climb every day against our mother's fearful wishes for our safety. And the music inside that house lives in that soul, and the music of the voices of that family dances in that heart, and it's Christmas wherever she is at Christmas time, because she carries those memories wherever she goes.

But Christmas - Christ Mass - comes to me most certainly only on Christmas Eve, only when, all alone, I've put away the choir music or solos and my black folder into my slot in the choir room, I don my coat and singers' scarf against whatever weather is out there by 12:30 am on December 25th, I hold my keys in my right hand, put my left hand in my wool coat pocket, and walk across the frosty asphalt to my waiting car, under the starry host of heaven, and look up and breathe in the "ruach" of the One that hovered over the face of the waters at Creation.

Crisp and clear comes the angel song, "Gloria in excelsis deo, et in terra pax!" For me alone, Christ is born, in the middle of a frozen night, in a frozen time when people's hearts are hard against Him, and my life before is dead, and my hopes for the future doubtful.... for me all alone in a frosty night, Christ is born, free gift of a loving Father God; free with no attachments, not deserved, no payback expected - just free: Christ, the Messiah, Savior of the world - for me.

I drive home, in silence or listening to a previously recorded St. Olaf Choir on NPR, pondering in my heart as I negotiate stop lights and freeway and avoid possibly inebriated fellow revelers, still looking for or perhaps carrying home this very same Gift. I come in quietly, ready to play Santa to a sleeping household. I finish my final duty of Christmas, then sit for a few moments in front of the tree, pondering the One represented in that tiny, ceramic figure in the ceramic hay and manger in the little wooden, moss-covered stable under my tree.

Then it is Christmas indeed. Leave the cookies and the lights and the carols and the shopping and the greetings. Leave the work still to be done, the worries and the hopes. Leave the noise and bustle and the loneliness and longings: It is Christmas in my heart. It is Christmas for the world. Mine to give freely away as It was given to me.

And now it is Christmas for you as I give to you what I've received. Please accept my Gift to you, that comes with love from the Father. It's for you, just you alone, after all. You, in the midst of all others, receive the One come down for you.

Merry Christmas to you all, and may you experience today whatever makes it Christmas finally for you, in your heart.

Christmas Reflections

The reflections made by the Christmas tree lights on my wooden floor entrance me. I try to capture them in my digital camera on "Indoor" and "Night Scene" settings - to no avail. The light play defies any human attempt at reproducing it.

Like the light in my daughter's eyes when she suddenly sees her own humor in a word, and her ponytails dance in curls, and her laughter skips in leaps, awakening the sleeping child inside her mother. It defies any camera, and this author's pen.

The lights themselves blur and blend in the camera's eye, not like the blur and definition on my floor, but something like the blur and run in the water I suddenly find in these human eyes, remembering a tiny tot's joy.

The shadows on my floor are clearer than the light, making sticks and branches out of far tinier needles, well-defined. They are in exact contrast to their counterparts in the tree, where lights are bright and dark needles blur.

Is that like Heaven?

Do angels and saints shine sharply bright in Heaven, only to blur on earth? Do the sharp pains of earth blur and soften in Heaven when we come there at last? Do the great, shining, good things of God in Heaven show up here on earth simply as rather ineffectual mirrors of Him, while the deep, dark, stabbing shadows of the evil one stand out in high definition here, focusing our attention on them instead of that great, good God?

But the scaffold sways the future,
And behind the dim unknown,
Standeth God within the shadows,
Keeping watch above His own.

Amen! May your New Year be filled with the sure knowledge of God standing within your shadows, keeping watch over you and yours.

Simply,
Patty

A Baby Changes Everything

Ok, I agree, it was certainly a risky business impregnating a teen in 1 BC in Israel. Mary was surely "at risk".

But I want to pause a moment and give voice to a thought that has often niggled at the back of my mind when listening for the 7,214th time to a sermon expounding the dangers of Mary's situation, and her supposed fears and apprehensions, along with her near holiness at having been able to say yes. Don't throw tomatoes yet, folks, I'm not suggesting our Lord's mother was not special and blessed of God. But please take a look with me at another possibility....

"Wait, Mom wait! let me go see the baby!" My bratty sister (sorry, Jan!) assumed Mom would do just what she wanted, and she was right. We all had to stop on our way out of the grocery store while Janice ran back to "oo" and "ah" over the squiggling thing in the woman's arms. She was trying to hold him, keep two toddlers under control, and pay her grocery bill all at once. Just like our mother. Nothing interesting there. Let's go! But no, Janice had to make us all stand BORED out of our gourds while she went gaga over somebody ELSE'S sibling. Arrr!! It made no sense to me. When I was her age I simply ignored the things, didn't even know they existed. Couldn't play with them, and they were always getting everyone's attention. Forget 'em!

But not Janice. Even as a toddler herself she mooned over infants. As she got older, she followed young mothers around at church, or even in the store! Just to see their babies. She was ecstatic when a mother let her hold her precious child for a few minutes. I had no time for this, life was to be lived and I was ready to live it with both feet! But Jan stopped and took time to cuddle and coo over every tiny being that came her way.

As a teen, my sister babysat a lot. I did not. I was into my own pursuits and disliked smelly diapers. Jan seemed to find it as enjoyable to change a diaper as I did exploring the keyboard on our upright. I could never understand it. She was even requested by some mothers, because of her rapport with their kids and her obedience to the parents' rules. To me she was just an annoying little sister who always wanted to be a copycat (sorry again, Jan!). I couldn't see beyond my own absorptions. Jan always had her eyes out for "the least of these".

And so it was really no amazement to me at all that she should be the first of us three to start a family. It seemed like a natural outgrowth of who she had been becoming all her young life. I abhorred the thought of a life growing through childhood and adolescence only to end in motherhood, but she seemed as if that was her only goal in life. I could not fathom it, did not respect it, and though I loved them dearly kept as far away as possible from the noisy, carefree crowd that grew from her young love. Oi! give me a break!

The four were always running into, through, and around my life just when I least expected them, and usually when I most needed sleep. After a concert I'd come home in the middle of the night to find toys strewn around our parents home (they lived with us for some time due to her Air Force veteran hubby's being without work until he learned his father's business). I would be fast asleep in the morning, sleeping off a party with my fiance's friends the night before that got a little raucous, and in would come three half naked hoodlums armed with noise makers and smelling of someone's diaper, wondering why Aunt Patty didn't want to be up already and playing with them. Oi!

Don't get me wrong, I loved them fiercely, but I hadn't learned how you love children yet. However, this story is about Mary, and I digress. Back to the subject.

I watched my sister through the years become adept at handling four hoodlums at once, PLUS. Her kids' birthday parties always included hordes of hoodlums, and she actually smiled at them as she told them not to swing the cat by its tail or try out the new plastic baseball bat on their cousins' heads. I could never understand it.

I watched as she became a crafty homemaker, sewing needed items, lovingly cooking meals I'd never attempt for her half Mexican husband (tacos for Christmas???). I watched as she worked her way through a "deal-breaking" time in her marriage, supporting her husband through deep trials, and always determined to be the best mother God could help her to be. And they came out of that tunnel into the light, in which they both now walk together, radiant if not perfect.

I watched as she sent her children into the world, praying praying praying they would do right and find joy. I watch as each grandchild is welcomed, always attended by Grammy Janny. I watch as young people who may not be living the prescribed way of our faith nevertheless are welcomed into a loving home and nourished, while strongly guided to renew their lives. I watch as my sister struggles with questions too big for all of us, always praying, always seeking the most nourishing answers for her family. I see her "adopt" many and many a child and young person in her church family, and any others she may come in contact with.

I like to think she adopted her middle sister too. She has certainly taught her much, and if her middle sister may be forgiven for her earlier (and a few ongoing) transgressions and their accompanying pains, she will be blessed indeed.

None of her children were planned.

I know that God gave to my sister the life to which He called her. I know that He equipped her peculiarly for this work, that He gave her special gifts He did not impart to me, but I have had to work hard for, so that He could send her way strays and outcasts to be loved into fellowship with Him. I have learned so much from my little sissy over the years. I would never have attempted running a 10-boy den of Cub Scouts without the memories I have of her with young boys running circles round her, and how she kept her cool. Jan has a precious calling.

Was it that way with Mary? Did she yearn for a child with all her being, even before the culturally accepted time? Did all her heart grow even bigger upon every sight of a baby? Did she seize every opportunity to babysit? Did she choose rather to converse in toddlerese than with the learned on any subject except babies and children? Was she, in fact, EXCITED to be given the astounding news that she would become pregnant by the Holy Spirit? Right now?

Gabriel: "Hey, you favorite! Bless you more than all the other women! God is with YOU!"

Mary, to herself: "What the heck?! What on EARTH can this shiny guy be talking about? Wow! Have I done something out of context? He must have me mixed up with somebody else! Maybe God is mad at me! Is he here to tell me the earth is going to swallow me up like Korah and his family when they tried to seize the priesthood?!!"

Gabriel: "Don't be afraid, Mary, God's happy with you. Mary, you're gonna have a BABY! The Holy Spirit will cause this to happen in you, and so the child will be Holy and be God's Son. Ain't that great? You're gonna have God's Son growing in you, and God's Son will be born through YOU. If you don't believe it, just look at your cousin Elizabeth, even that old, childless thing's having a baby! You wouldn't believe it, except for this:

"With God nothing shall be impossible."

Mary: "Ok. Let God do whatever He wants to me, just like you said. I'm ready!"

This wasn't planned either.

Imagine if Mary had lived now. Would she have been excited at this news? Imagine this conversation set in 2009:

Gabriel: "Hey, you favorite! Bless you more than all the other women! God is with YOU!"

Mary: "What on earth? I'm busy, come back later! I don't have time for this now. Go see my secretary and he'll schedule you a meeting. I've got a conference call coming I can NOT miss!"

Or....

Gabriel: "Hey, you favorite! Bless you more than all the other women! God is with YOU!"

Mary: "Oh wow.... must have been SOME DRUG slipped into that drink last night....! So what gives with this?"

Gabriel: "Don't be afraid, Mary, God's happy with you. In fact, He's so happy He's decided to give you that baby you've secretly been wishing for but putting off for a later time, less filled with performances and ideas, on a schedule you thought you'd have completely under control. Well, I'm here to tell you that you actually have NO CONTROL OVER ANYTHING! Ain't that great? The Holy Spirit will cause this to happen in you, and so the child will be Holy and be God's Son. You're gonna have God's Son growing in you, and God's Son will be born through YOU. Now! If you don't believe it, just look at your cousin Elizabeth, even that old, childless thing's having a baby! You wouldn't believe it, except for this:

"With God nothing shall be impossible."

Mary: "Oh yeah? Fat chance, shiny guy! I've been on the pill for years, there is NO WAY I'm havin' a baby this year, buddy! Not with the opening of my new show, no WAY! I've got it all figured out. I'll have a baby when I'm good and ready, and not a minute nanosecond before, you hear?! Now get outta my way, I gotta show to do!"

Or.....

Gabriel: "Hey, you favorite! Bless you more than all the other women! God is with YOU!"

Mary: "Oh weird. Not what I'd planned for here. Interesting though....."

Gabriel: "Don't be afraid, Mary, God's happy with you. Mary, you're gonna have a BABY!"........etc.

"With God nothing shall be impossible."

Mary: "Ha! Really? Well.... I don't have that in my plan. MY plan calls for six more years of medical school and then internship and then starting a practice, so I can pay to keep myself and my child out of debt, the new evil that should be avoided at all cost, including that of starting a family when it is designed to be started. Nope. Not buyin' it, Gabe. I'll put it on the list to be planned in, though, as soon as I'm solvent and rock solid secure in the world. Sounds like a good idea, just not now. Thanks anyway, though. Maybe you should take a look at that teen down the street who married the drug addict and can't seem to find anything better to do than housework. She'd probably be really glad for something like a baby to distract her from her husband's drinking. Yeah, go on down by the railroad tracks there...."

Yes, laud and applaud Mary's meekness, her obedience, her courage. Yes, it could have been a disaster. But it wasn't. God saw to that. He chose the right mother, and the right father, for His Son. He knew what He was doing. And so did Mary, I think, in some ways. He put His Son with the most nurturing couple He could find on earth. A young girl something like my sister, I think.

This thought makes me smile each December when I hear the dire assumptions, albeit possibly true. Maybe, just maybe God had a different idea besides scaring a teen into responsibility. Maybe He actually wanted to fulfill her most precious dreams, kept only to herself for so long.

I wonder. A baby changes everything.

Psalm 40

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. [a]

5 Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced [b] , [c] ; burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.

7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll. [d]

8 I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."

9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me.

14 May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "The LORD be exalted!"

17 Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.

Footnotes: 1. Psalm 40:4 Or to falsehood 2. Psalm 40:6 Hebrew; Septuagint but a body you have prepared for me (see also Symmachus and Theodotion) 3. Psalm 40:6 Or opened 4. Psalm 40:7 Or come / with the scroll written for me

I opened my mouth the day before yesterday. Well, actually, I opened my computer really. I saw something I felt called upon to respond to in a rather long-winded fashion. Not out loud, of course, just through my fingers on the keyboard. But it was posted to a forum seen by others, some of whom I don't even know. When I saw a comment the next day, I wondered: "Was I wrong to respond to the questions I had seen, aimed directly at me?"

I decided to trust God with this one. It's often hard for me to trust God with things. I see what I think should be righted, or corrected, or realigned, and I think it my job to do it. There are so few who see straight these days, and I sometimes think I'm one of them. I fear I am arrogant in a backhanded kind of way without ever knowing it. But didn't Jesus call us to be salt and light to the world?

"A city set on a hill cannot be hid", and "if the salt has lost its flavor, it is good only to be thrown out the door and trampled under foot." - Jesus

I fell to wondering how a devoted disciple could know the right thing to do in this society of people who fear the emotions of others and quail in the face of strong words.

Then I open the Bible and start reading. I've been reading the Bible in 90 Days along with my church, and this morning I was hoping to catch up again. I would need to read about 50 Psalms this morning to do that. Knowing I probably would fall asleep before I got a chance, I set out to read 10. When I got to 10 I decided to read to 15, as I was getting sleepy again. I struggled to keep my eyes open and not drop the mostly empty coffee cup in my hand (that was how I was keeping myself awake, not drinking coffee, just holding the cup!). I kept reading on because I knew if I'd kept my eyes open for 20 Psalms I could do it for 5 more. This is how I at last reached 40. I was about to stop when I noticed a section break across the page and decided to finish that section: Book I. Psalms of David, my favorite hero of the Bible, as he was a singer.

As I read Psalm 40 I was suddenly shaken out of my doze by the underlining I'd placed on verse 5, years ago, I don't remember why. But verse 9 opened my eyes even wider: "I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;I do not seal my lips,as you know, O LORD." Oh yes, You know, Lord! I certainly have not kept my mouth shut like a good little woman. I have not appeared meek and coy and retiring in the presence of my "betters", or in front of "non-believers" as I was taught to do as a good Christian model for girls. I really did it this time. I said just what I thought, answered those questions from a confused boy straight head-on, I did. I really tried to be compassionate and understanding of his youth. I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt - HIS doubt, not mine. I seriously wanted to share the Truth with him.

He really was doubting, that boy, if not downright mislead. Maybe I felt a little defensive. Maybe I got just a tiny bit up on my high horse. Maybe I was carried away just a smidgen by the sentiment expressed in verse 15: "May those who say to me, 'Aha! Aha!' be appalled at their own shame." Maybe, without realizing it, I wished "may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace" and "be put to shame and confusion"(vs.14). Maybe I hadn't had the right motivation, or the right Spirit...

It's so hard for me to tell sometimes: "...my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see." (vs. 12). And now I began to fear "troubles without number surround me" and will be "more than the hairs of my head" (vs. 17). Maybe those who've read my answer or who will read it are going to say I've behaved incorrectly, even sisters and brothers of my faith. Maybe other young people are going to despise my name, and will cause trouble for my daughter whom they know. Maybe I've just done the stupidest thing in the world!

"But may all who seek you

rejoice and be glad in you;

may those who love your salvation always say,

'The LORD be exalted!'"

"Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;

may your love and your truth always protect me."

What should I do? Should I write a mea culpa? But I said nothing wrong, really, only answered the questions the best I could. Why this feeling of wrong-doing then? Or is it just fear, am I simply unable to stand behind my words as I claimed I would do, a coward at the last?

"Yet I am poor and needy;

may the Lord think of me.

You are my help and my deliverer;

O my God, do not delay."

I prayed, "If I've done wrong, Lord, then You correct me, please. If it wasn't Your voice I heard, then let me be deaf. Put to death this spirit of falseness, this desire to do right, to correct those lost in the confusion, to lead them to a better understanding of You."

"Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;

O LORD, come quickly to help me."

"Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;

may your love and your truth always protect me."

Then my eyes drifted up again to the preceding verses:

"Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,

but my ears you have pierced (opened);

burnt offerings and sin offerings

you did not require.

"Then I said, 'Here I am, I have come—

it is written about me in the scroll.

'I desire to do your will, O my God;

your law is within my heart.'"

And there I was back again:

"I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;

I do not seal my lips,

as you know, O LORD.

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;

I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.

I do not conceal your love and your truth

from the great assembly."

Wasn't that where all this started? With me opening my mouth? So maybe.... maybe it was the right thing to do after all. Oh bother! I'll never figure this out, I'm a simple human with quite a simple mind here. How can I possibly fathom the intent of GOD?! I figured all that's left for me to do is trust: trust His grace and mercy, trust His infinite wisdom, trust His amazing love beyond all other things.

"I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the LORD. "

Resting in that thought I felt the most amazing peace come over my heart and soul. Never since my childhood days have I felt anything like it. The thought that I am not required to figure out the complexities and purities of God's own will in the midst of my sinful, human condition is so freeing, it is like being a young child again. There is nothing to compare with this - not wine, not friendships, not physical pleasures, not drugs, not mental pleasures, not even music itself - no thing on earth, not anything, can possibly equal the peace of letting God be God. This peace which passes all understanding is the greatest treasure I have found.

"Blessed is the man

who makes the LORD his trust,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods."

Oh yes, blessed!

"Many, O LORD my God,

are the wonders you have done.

The things you planned for us

no one can recount to you;

were I to speak and tell of them,

they would be too many to declare."

So I will stop declaring for a while, and let one more "wonder" do the talking for itself. Maybe I didn't get all 50 Psalms read today, but I think something more important was accomplished.

"And now may the peace off God which passes all understanding keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus, Amen".

Simply and peacefully yours,

Patty