Ramblings on a Fat Tuesday

Tuesday. Mardi Gras. Fat Tuesday. Fastnacht. Shrove Tuesday. Ash Wednesday Eve.

No woman ever grows up planning to live all on her own with no one to share life with, unless she is messed up in the head. Not my dream, this. But who ever said God gives us our heart’s desire? Oh yeah, only King David, right….. And Solomon, the wisest king who ever lived.  But have I done what’s necessary first? How does the Psalm go?

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart,

And lean not unto thine own understanding;

In all thy ways acknowledge Him,

And He shall direct thy paths.

And again: 

Delight yourself in the Lord

And He will give you the desires of your heart

Commit your way to the Lord,

Trust also in Him

And He shall bring it to pass.

Yes, David and Solomon said it. So, I have been expecting me to receive the desires of my heart without me having delighted myself in the Lord – is it that? But I do so delight myself in the Lord! Or maybe they meant delight only in the Lord….? Is God that picky?

Do I trust in the Lord with all mine heart? Good question. I don’t think so. I think I trust in Him with just a tiny bit of my heart and none of my mind, leaning most often unto mine own understanding. 

Do I acknowledge Him in all my ways? Just what does it mean to acknowledge Him? And do we ever do anything in all our ways? Or what does that phrase mean? And what is it exactly that He shall bring to pass? My desires? My dreams? My plans? Just my stinking schedule for this day alone?! Please!

Commit your way to the Lord – commit is a scary word. I shy away from commit. I don’t like commit. Commit means forever you are going to have to do this, even when your heart calls you elsewhere. Commit is a word not found in the ADDers dictionary. Commit, if done at all by the ADDer, is only done at his or her own prompting. And when it is done it is called Focus, and it is done entirely, completely, whole-heartedly and unswervingly. Commit does not exist by that name for me. So let’s use the word Focus. I love Focus.

I Focus on sewing and quilting and crocheting and knitting very well. When I do beautiful things emerge eventually. But I can’t Focus and make beautiful things and be a good wife and mother at the same time. So I don’t Focus anymore. But right now I guess I am Focusing on this Scripture. So maybe I can do this thing.

But now that I’ve examined that tangent, I must admit that my Focus is not the same as David or Solomon’s Commit. My Focus is self centered, coming from my own mind, emanating from my own ideas, directed only by me. David wrote of committing all that to God. I think he was trying to say I have to give up that autonomy, which is why I run from the word commit so immediately and like lightening.

ADDers don’t give up their autonomy, ever, because we’ve found ourselves stuck in boring, creativity-crushing places all too frequently because of a mere commitment of our autonomy to somebody else. And we honor our commitments.

I don’t want to commit anything to You, Lord – let’s be honest here, because You know anyway. I don’t want to commit – give up to You – anything in my life. I have seen how You devalue people, how You toss away lives like chaff or dust. I have watched You throw away programs and beautiful things already in place that help people, nurture them, create a space for those who have none – and all after those who made these constructs committed them to You. I can’t trust anything to You. Not my ideas, not the desires of my heart, not my life’s dreams, certainly not my children!

Because You don’t really care about them like I do.

In my world I am god, not You.

I can trust myself.

Far better than You.

And that’s exactly why my dreams lie in ruins all about me; my children struggle daily with things I took completely for granted growing up in the playland I did; my family lives in chaos more often than not, not one of us feeling as valued as we really are; and I look back with regrets over a life that didn't turn out at all as I planned it.

So, Lord, thank You for listening to my little diatribe. I guess I don’t make a very good god for myself or my family. I guess I’ve done a completely rotten job of introducing them to the real God, the One who truly can carry their sorrows and light their way in the world. Please help me commit my way unto Thee. Help me acknowledge You in all my ways. Because I want You to bring “it” to pass, whatever “it” may be, as only You know what that is and whether “it” is good for me and mine. 

Thank You, Lord.

Simply thank You.