A Baby Changes Everything

Ok, I agree, it was certainly a risky business impregnating a teen in 1 BC in Israel. Mary was surely "at risk".

But I want to pause a moment and give voice to a thought that has often niggled at the back of my mind when listening for the 7,214th time to a sermon expounding the dangers of Mary's situation, and her supposed fears and apprehensions, along with her near holiness at having been able to say yes. Don't throw tomatoes yet, folks, I'm not suggesting our Lord's mother was not special and blessed of God. But please take a look with me at another possibility....

"Wait, Mom wait! let me go see the baby!" My bratty sister (sorry, Jan!) assumed Mom would do just what she wanted, and she was right. We all had to stop on our way out of the grocery store while Janice ran back to "oo" and "ah" over the squiggling thing in the woman's arms. She was trying to hold him, keep two toddlers under control, and pay her grocery bill all at once. Just like our mother. Nothing interesting there. Let's go! But no, Janice had to make us all stand BORED out of our gourds while she went gaga over somebody ELSE'S sibling. Arrr!! It made no sense to me. When I was her age I simply ignored the things, didn't even know they existed. Couldn't play with them, and they were always getting everyone's attention. Forget 'em!

But not Janice. Even as a toddler herself she mooned over infants. As she got older, she followed young mothers around at church, or even in the store! Just to see their babies. She was ecstatic when a mother let her hold her precious child for a few minutes. I had no time for this, life was to be lived and I was ready to live it with both feet! But Jan stopped and took time to cuddle and coo over every tiny being that came her way.

As a teen, my sister babysat a lot. I did not. I was into my own pursuits and disliked smelly diapers. Jan seemed to find it as enjoyable to change a diaper as I did exploring the keyboard on our upright. I could never understand it. She was even requested by some mothers, because of her rapport with their kids and her obedience to the parents' rules. To me she was just an annoying little sister who always wanted to be a copycat (sorry again, Jan!). I couldn't see beyond my own absorptions. Jan always had her eyes out for "the least of these".

And so it was really no amazement to me at all that she should be the first of us three to start a family. It seemed like a natural outgrowth of who she had been becoming all her young life. I abhorred the thought of a life growing through childhood and adolescence only to end in motherhood, but she seemed as if that was her only goal in life. I could not fathom it, did not respect it, and though I loved them dearly kept as far away as possible from the noisy, carefree crowd that grew from her young love. Oi! give me a break!

The four were always running into, through, and around my life just when I least expected them, and usually when I most needed sleep. After a concert I'd come home in the middle of the night to find toys strewn around our parents home (they lived with us for some time due to her Air Force veteran hubby's being without work until he learned his father's business). I would be fast asleep in the morning, sleeping off a party with my fiance's friends the night before that got a little raucous, and in would come three half naked hoodlums armed with noise makers and smelling of someone's diaper, wondering why Aunt Patty didn't want to be up already and playing with them. Oi!

Don't get me wrong, I loved them fiercely, but I hadn't learned how you love children yet. However, this story is about Mary, and I digress. Back to the subject.

I watched my sister through the years become adept at handling four hoodlums at once, PLUS. Her kids' birthday parties always included hordes of hoodlums, and she actually smiled at them as she told them not to swing the cat by its tail or try out the new plastic baseball bat on their cousins' heads. I could never understand it.

I watched as she became a crafty homemaker, sewing needed items, lovingly cooking meals I'd never attempt for her half Mexican husband (tacos for Christmas???). I watched as she worked her way through a "deal-breaking" time in her marriage, supporting her husband through deep trials, and always determined to be the best mother God could help her to be. And they came out of that tunnel into the light, in which they both now walk together, radiant if not perfect.

I watched as she sent her children into the world, praying praying praying they would do right and find joy. I watch as each grandchild is welcomed, always attended by Grammy Janny. I watch as young people who may not be living the prescribed way of our faith nevertheless are welcomed into a loving home and nourished, while strongly guided to renew their lives. I watch as my sister struggles with questions too big for all of us, always praying, always seeking the most nourishing answers for her family. I see her "adopt" many and many a child and young person in her church family, and any others she may come in contact with.

I like to think she adopted her middle sister too. She has certainly taught her much, and if her middle sister may be forgiven for her earlier (and a few ongoing) transgressions and their accompanying pains, she will be blessed indeed.

None of her children were planned.

I know that God gave to my sister the life to which He called her. I know that He equipped her peculiarly for this work, that He gave her special gifts He did not impart to me, but I have had to work hard for, so that He could send her way strays and outcasts to be loved into fellowship with Him. I have learned so much from my little sissy over the years. I would never have attempted running a 10-boy den of Cub Scouts without the memories I have of her with young boys running circles round her, and how she kept her cool. Jan has a precious calling.

Was it that way with Mary? Did she yearn for a child with all her being, even before the culturally accepted time? Did all her heart grow even bigger upon every sight of a baby? Did she seize every opportunity to babysit? Did she choose rather to converse in toddlerese than with the learned on any subject except babies and children? Was she, in fact, EXCITED to be given the astounding news that she would become pregnant by the Holy Spirit? Right now?

Gabriel: "Hey, you favorite! Bless you more than all the other women! God is with YOU!"

Mary, to herself: "What the heck?! What on EARTH can this shiny guy be talking about? Wow! Have I done something out of context? He must have me mixed up with somebody else! Maybe God is mad at me! Is he here to tell me the earth is going to swallow me up like Korah and his family when they tried to seize the priesthood?!!"

Gabriel: "Don't be afraid, Mary, God's happy with you. Mary, you're gonna have a BABY! The Holy Spirit will cause this to happen in you, and so the child will be Holy and be God's Son. Ain't that great? You're gonna have God's Son growing in you, and God's Son will be born through YOU. If you don't believe it, just look at your cousin Elizabeth, even that old, childless thing's having a baby! You wouldn't believe it, except for this:

"With God nothing shall be impossible."

Mary: "Ok. Let God do whatever He wants to me, just like you said. I'm ready!"

This wasn't planned either.

Imagine if Mary had lived now. Would she have been excited at this news? Imagine this conversation set in 2009:

Gabriel: "Hey, you favorite! Bless you more than all the other women! God is with YOU!"

Mary: "What on earth? I'm busy, come back later! I don't have time for this now. Go see my secretary and he'll schedule you a meeting. I've got a conference call coming I can NOT miss!"

Or....

Gabriel: "Hey, you favorite! Bless you more than all the other women! God is with YOU!"

Mary: "Oh wow.... must have been SOME DRUG slipped into that drink last night....! So what gives with this?"

Gabriel: "Don't be afraid, Mary, God's happy with you. In fact, He's so happy He's decided to give you that baby you've secretly been wishing for but putting off for a later time, less filled with performances and ideas, on a schedule you thought you'd have completely under control. Well, I'm here to tell you that you actually have NO CONTROL OVER ANYTHING! Ain't that great? The Holy Spirit will cause this to happen in you, and so the child will be Holy and be God's Son. You're gonna have God's Son growing in you, and God's Son will be born through YOU. Now! If you don't believe it, just look at your cousin Elizabeth, even that old, childless thing's having a baby! You wouldn't believe it, except for this:

"With God nothing shall be impossible."

Mary: "Oh yeah? Fat chance, shiny guy! I've been on the pill for years, there is NO WAY I'm havin' a baby this year, buddy! Not with the opening of my new show, no WAY! I've got it all figured out. I'll have a baby when I'm good and ready, and not a minute nanosecond before, you hear?! Now get outta my way, I gotta show to do!"

Or.....

Gabriel: "Hey, you favorite! Bless you more than all the other women! God is with YOU!"

Mary: "Oh weird. Not what I'd planned for here. Interesting though....."

Gabriel: "Don't be afraid, Mary, God's happy with you. Mary, you're gonna have a BABY!"........etc.

"With God nothing shall be impossible."

Mary: "Ha! Really? Well.... I don't have that in my plan. MY plan calls for six more years of medical school and then internship and then starting a practice, so I can pay to keep myself and my child out of debt, the new evil that should be avoided at all cost, including that of starting a family when it is designed to be started. Nope. Not buyin' it, Gabe. I'll put it on the list to be planned in, though, as soon as I'm solvent and rock solid secure in the world. Sounds like a good idea, just not now. Thanks anyway, though. Maybe you should take a look at that teen down the street who married the drug addict and can't seem to find anything better to do than housework. She'd probably be really glad for something like a baby to distract her from her husband's drinking. Yeah, go on down by the railroad tracks there...."

Yes, laud and applaud Mary's meekness, her obedience, her courage. Yes, it could have been a disaster. But it wasn't. God saw to that. He chose the right mother, and the right father, for His Son. He knew what He was doing. And so did Mary, I think, in some ways. He put His Son with the most nurturing couple He could find on earth. A young girl something like my sister, I think.

This thought makes me smile each December when I hear the dire assumptions, albeit possibly true. Maybe, just maybe God had a different idea besides scaring a teen into responsibility. Maybe He actually wanted to fulfill her most precious dreams, kept only to herself for so long.

I wonder. A baby changes everything.

Psalm 40

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. [a]

5 Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced [b] , [c] ; burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.

7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll. [d]

8 I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."

9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me.

14 May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "The LORD be exalted!"

17 Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.

Footnotes: 1. Psalm 40:4 Or to falsehood 2. Psalm 40:6 Hebrew; Septuagint but a body you have prepared for me (see also Symmachus and Theodotion) 3. Psalm 40:6 Or opened 4. Psalm 40:7 Or come / with the scroll written for me

I opened my mouth the day before yesterday. Well, actually, I opened my computer really. I saw something I felt called upon to respond to in a rather long-winded fashion. Not out loud, of course, just through my fingers on the keyboard. But it was posted to a forum seen by others, some of whom I don't even know. When I saw a comment the next day, I wondered: "Was I wrong to respond to the questions I had seen, aimed directly at me?"

I decided to trust God with this one. It's often hard for me to trust God with things. I see what I think should be righted, or corrected, or realigned, and I think it my job to do it. There are so few who see straight these days, and I sometimes think I'm one of them. I fear I am arrogant in a backhanded kind of way without ever knowing it. But didn't Jesus call us to be salt and light to the world?

"A city set on a hill cannot be hid", and "if the salt has lost its flavor, it is good only to be thrown out the door and trampled under foot." - Jesus

I fell to wondering how a devoted disciple could know the right thing to do in this society of people who fear the emotions of others and quail in the face of strong words.

Then I open the Bible and start reading. I've been reading the Bible in 90 Days along with my church, and this morning I was hoping to catch up again. I would need to read about 50 Psalms this morning to do that. Knowing I probably would fall asleep before I got a chance, I set out to read 10. When I got to 10 I decided to read to 15, as I was getting sleepy again. I struggled to keep my eyes open and not drop the mostly empty coffee cup in my hand (that was how I was keeping myself awake, not drinking coffee, just holding the cup!). I kept reading on because I knew if I'd kept my eyes open for 20 Psalms I could do it for 5 more. This is how I at last reached 40. I was about to stop when I noticed a section break across the page and decided to finish that section: Book I. Psalms of David, my favorite hero of the Bible, as he was a singer.

As I read Psalm 40 I was suddenly shaken out of my doze by the underlining I'd placed on verse 5, years ago, I don't remember why. But verse 9 opened my eyes even wider: "I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;I do not seal my lips,as you know, O LORD." Oh yes, You know, Lord! I certainly have not kept my mouth shut like a good little woman. I have not appeared meek and coy and retiring in the presence of my "betters", or in front of "non-believers" as I was taught to do as a good Christian model for girls. I really did it this time. I said just what I thought, answered those questions from a confused boy straight head-on, I did. I really tried to be compassionate and understanding of his youth. I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt - HIS doubt, not mine. I seriously wanted to share the Truth with him.

He really was doubting, that boy, if not downright mislead. Maybe I felt a little defensive. Maybe I got just a tiny bit up on my high horse. Maybe I was carried away just a smidgen by the sentiment expressed in verse 15: "May those who say to me, 'Aha! Aha!' be appalled at their own shame." Maybe, without realizing it, I wished "may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace" and "be put to shame and confusion"(vs.14). Maybe I hadn't had the right motivation, or the right Spirit...

It's so hard for me to tell sometimes: "...my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see." (vs. 12). And now I began to fear "troubles without number surround me" and will be "more than the hairs of my head" (vs. 17). Maybe those who've read my answer or who will read it are going to say I've behaved incorrectly, even sisters and brothers of my faith. Maybe other young people are going to despise my name, and will cause trouble for my daughter whom they know. Maybe I've just done the stupidest thing in the world!

"But may all who seek you

rejoice and be glad in you;

may those who love your salvation always say,

'The LORD be exalted!'"

"Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;

may your love and your truth always protect me."

What should I do? Should I write a mea culpa? But I said nothing wrong, really, only answered the questions the best I could. Why this feeling of wrong-doing then? Or is it just fear, am I simply unable to stand behind my words as I claimed I would do, a coward at the last?

"Yet I am poor and needy;

may the Lord think of me.

You are my help and my deliverer;

O my God, do not delay."

I prayed, "If I've done wrong, Lord, then You correct me, please. If it wasn't Your voice I heard, then let me be deaf. Put to death this spirit of falseness, this desire to do right, to correct those lost in the confusion, to lead them to a better understanding of You."

"Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;

O LORD, come quickly to help me."

"Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;

may your love and your truth always protect me."

Then my eyes drifted up again to the preceding verses:

"Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,

but my ears you have pierced (opened);

burnt offerings and sin offerings

you did not require.

"Then I said, 'Here I am, I have come—

it is written about me in the scroll.

'I desire to do your will, O my God;

your law is within my heart.'"

And there I was back again:

"I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;

I do not seal my lips,

as you know, O LORD.

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;

I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.

I do not conceal your love and your truth

from the great assembly."

Wasn't that where all this started? With me opening my mouth? So maybe.... maybe it was the right thing to do after all. Oh bother! I'll never figure this out, I'm a simple human with quite a simple mind here. How can I possibly fathom the intent of GOD?! I figured all that's left for me to do is trust: trust His grace and mercy, trust His infinite wisdom, trust His amazing love beyond all other things.

"I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the LORD. "

Resting in that thought I felt the most amazing peace come over my heart and soul. Never since my childhood days have I felt anything like it. The thought that I am not required to figure out the complexities and purities of God's own will in the midst of my sinful, human condition is so freeing, it is like being a young child again. There is nothing to compare with this - not wine, not friendships, not physical pleasures, not drugs, not mental pleasures, not even music itself - no thing on earth, not anything, can possibly equal the peace of letting God be God. This peace which passes all understanding is the greatest treasure I have found.

"Blessed is the man

who makes the LORD his trust,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods."

Oh yes, blessed!

"Many, O LORD my God,

are the wonders you have done.

The things you planned for us

no one can recount to you;

were I to speak and tell of them,

they would be too many to declare."

So I will stop declaring for a while, and let one more "wonder" do the talking for itself. Maybe I didn't get all 50 Psalms read today, but I think something more important was accomplished.

"And now may the peace off God which passes all understanding keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus, Amen".

Simply and peacefully yours,

Patty

On the Lighter Side

Traditional Mac and Cheese It Is Not!

I just tried to put together the WW recipe (a filling foods recipe) that purports to be "traditional" mac & cheese. Well, I have to confess, I did not do all the ingredients or all the steps, as my college age daughter was starving and breathing down my neck. I just cooked the noodles in one pan, while I threw the two cheeses and a little milk in another pan. It seemed similar to what you do when you buy the boxes, right?

Wrong!

After a minute the milk began to heat up enough to melt the cheeses, and it looked at first as if I was going to have an A-1 cheese sauce for my FF mac and cheese. But suddenly it did NOT look like a sauce, as it separated and looked like something you don't want to think about if you're about to eat.

Well, I took it off the heat, and stirred and stirred, then it became very stringy and chewy, almost like caramel.

I threw it in with the drained macaroni, thinking that would help it. But I tell you, that cheese took on a life of its own! It refused to marry itself in any way, shape, or form to the noodles. It sits in globs among them, but that is it! And if you try to scoop some pseudo mac & cheese onto a plate or bowl, you can never sever the cheesy strings that come along.

I tasted it, just to see. It is palatable, but just. And it is most definitely NOTHING like traditional mac & cheese!! LOL!

I hope you've enjoyed this little kitchen encounter of mine. I know I have. I enjoyed laughing at myself trying to provide a fattening meal with no fat for our daughter who has been away at college and therefore is not tuned into my fat free existence yet.

Have a nice day. I'm off to find some REAL mac & cheese, ready-made at the store - for my daughter, not me! 6:D

P.S. Yes, I know I did not follow the recipe as I ought to have. But what I want to know is, would it really have made any difference?

I shared that on the Weight Watchers website, and people got a kick out of it. But I thought it could have another application. Now doesn't this just apply very well to our walk as Christians? Sometimes we get in a hurry, or I know I do! And we want to see results NOW, Lord! We're tired of waiting, and we've done what we should all along - we think to ourselves.

Wrong!

You forgot to include ALL the ingredients in the recipe. So, what did you leave out? Let's see:

Bible - check! Prayer - check! Meditation/prayer time - check! Fellowship - check!

What's missing? This seems like a pretty exhaustive list to me. I mean, I even included TIME, which is what I usually prefer to leave out.

Well, I'm not saying you'll get immediate results, but there is one more thing I've found I must have in my recipe before it even begins to resemble the joy-filled Christian life spoken of in the Bible: Forgiveness.

You see, if I have all my ducks in a row, and I'm still holding out for something from someone who I think deserves to give it to me, I get nowhere. I just go on treading water, or running in place like a hamster on a wheel, wondering what's wrong. The best and most immediate results I've ever gotten in this life have come after I stop expecting some other human being to provide something I think I need before I can move forward. This doesn't mean my life is always perfect when I've forgiven someone, and everything flows smoothly in the direction I want it to. But it does mean I can begin again to move forward, and I certainly lose a lot of dead weight, extra baggage, from my sinking boat. The recipe does begin to resemble the one I've come to use most often for my direction.

Next time, follow the Recipe - oh I don't mean my little one up there. That one's for me. I mean the one in the Book. Take it and make your own recipe for life from it. I know I will, or at least try to from now on! And don't let someone else decide the state of your Walk.

Simply yours, Patty

"Those dumb Kings," I keep thinking. "When WILL they ever learn?"

I've been reading the Bible In Ninety Days, or BIND, as we affectionately call it, along with my church. I have just finished the books of I and II Kings, which is a chronicling of why the writer thought God allowed the Israelites to be defeated and taken off to Babylon in captivity. I continually asked myself, "Why can't those blundering kings get it right??"

But I suppose I wouldn't have been any better. How much am I tempted by the material things in my culture? I don't want to admit. But wasn't that the Israelites' problem too? They wanted what they saw the pagans having: sensual and material pleasures. Don't we all?

I was struck this morning when I read the prayer of Jabez and realized he did not ask at all in order to contribute more to God's kingdom - he just asked. (I know I'm leaping ahead here.) I think I tend to judge the Israelites too harshly, now that I realize the surrounding culture was already rife with the Godlessness they sank to. And growing up, the kids' Bible stories we were read painted the Bible heroes as such god-like figures themselves, not subject to normal human needs really. But they weren't, they were simple humans, only their devotion was often single-minded and their purpose unswayed by those around them.

How do we get this same devotion and single-mindedness in the midst of our fallen society? The Israelites failed often too, so we needn't imagine we are any less able than they were because we don't always see success. God honored faithfulness late in life, even after someone had lived a life full of sin, if he or she turned to God at the last.

So we can reach for the gold (so to speak), no matter what came before. We can keep our eyes on the prize, our hand to the plow. We CAN be people of purpose, God's Purpose, in spite of all the shortcomings we see in ourselves.

Somehow, Israel's failure inspires me more than if they had always done the right thing.

What about you?

Simply yours,

Patty

Joshua 7: 10

“The Lord said to Joshua, ‘Stand up! What are you doing down on your face?’”

I love this scene. Joshua, like me and a whole lot of other people, immediately assumed he had screwed up big time, since Israel got “routed” out of Ai. I wanted to hear Joshua say, “What the h-e-double-hockey-stick do You think I’m doing down here?! You're the one who told us to do this when we've sinned, for crying out loud. Now You ask me what I'm doing? I don't think so! I don't think so...”

But along comes God and says, “What the hey? I’m not mad at you. Why ever would I be mad at you?? Get out of your self-centered depression and self-doubt and self-deprecation, and get out there and show them who’s boss, for My sake already!”

I love it. God is so funny sometimes!

Do you ever feel like that sometimes? I mean, we all make mistakes, and sometimes we can get downright depressed about it. Sometimes we can feel like there's absolutely no way we can get out of this hole we're in, and it's all our own dumb fault. All we can even think of doing is simply lying down flat on our faces and waiting till something good happens again. Cuz there's no way on earth we're gonna put ourselves out there again until we know for certain exactly how to do what it is we're trying to do, if we're supposed to be doing it in the first place! Do you ever feel like that? Boy, I sure do!

But along comes God - surprise! Yes, there still is a God, even though evidence of Him is mighty lacking right now, it may seem. Just like in Joshua's case, we did what was right, we followed the rules, we lead the people in the right direction, we were carrying out our destiny. What went wrong? So horribly, terribly wrong? We get down on our knees, even on our faces sometimes, and pray and search our hearts and wait. And wait. And wait. On our faces. For a long time.

Then along comes God. "Stand up! What are you doing down on your face? I never told you to get down on your face, did I? I told you to go out and get the enemy! So get out there! But first make sure you have all the right people with you, and they follow my rules to a T."

"Ok... So You don't want me on my face?" says Joshua, or me, or you. "That's right," says God. "I want you up on your feet! Working for Me!"

"Wow," I say. That is truly awesome. I messed up in some way, I know I did, but He doesn't want me grovelling, bowing, scraping, genuflecting, etc. He wants our hearts humble, yes. But in our humility He wants us active! Alive! Standing straight and tall in the work He gives us to do. And He does give us work.

To Joshua He gave the job of clearing out the false gods from among the people of Israel, so they would again be brave in their trust in their One True God.

To us He gives the job of clearing out other false gods, so we can be brave and stand tall in His calling. Right now He is calling Lake Grove Presbyterian Church to cast off other time consumers and steep ourselves in the knowledge of His Word. For some of us this has meant a clearing of focus, simplifying our days. For others it means adding one thing more, but this one thing so profoundly trumps the others we wonder why we haven't done it before. Still others find ourselves in a race to get our reading done, yet oddly intrigued by the archaic stories of God's revelation to His people of who He really is.

As God calls us to get up off our faces and do His work of learning about Him, we prepare for the first step of taking this knowledge out to the parts of the world He sends us into. May we remember those messages He wants us to remember from His Word, precisely, and may we keep false gods away so we may be brave to do the work He gives us to do.

So remember, next time you find yourself wondering what went wrong, don't simply fall on your face and wait for the answer. Keep working. Keep praying, but keep working at His work, whatever it is for you.

And I'll be working right beside you.

We are one in the Spirit,

We are one in the Lord.

We are one in the Spirit,

We are one in the Lord.

And we pray that all unity may one day be restored

And they'll know we are Christians by our love,

By our love,

Yes they'll know we are Christians by our love.

We will walk with each other,

We will walk hand in hand.

We will walk with each other,

We will walk hand in hand.

And together we'll spread the news that God is in our land,

And they'll know we are Christians by our love,

By our love,

Yes, they'll know we are Christians by our love.

We will work with each other,

We will work, side by side,

We will work with each other,

We will work, side by side,

And we'll guard each one's dignity, and save each one's pride,

And they'll know we are Christians by our love,

By our love,

Yes, they'll know we are Christians by our love.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Hebrews 3:13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.

Hebrews 10:25 Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

I hope this little blog has encouraged you a little for Today.

Simply yours,

Patty

Heart Changing

The other day I received a Word. Some of us like to talk about important, poignant messages as being a Word from God, and just call it a Word. This was one of those.

I've signed up for messages from a wonderful messenger of God named Kathy Butryn. Her "Heart Change Place" exudes peace and beauty and restfulness and shalom. I love to visit that "porch" and receive a Word. When I receive a Message sent out from The Heart Change Place, it is often as if those four gifts had been mailed through cyberspace and arrived right in my inbox in a nutshell. This was one of those. A Word.

"Mailer 21" had a devotional link, called "But Lord, I want what THEY have", and I immediately agreed. Eagerly I pressed the link and began reading. But soon my mind began to rebel, and I quickly found my way to this place, my own writing space, alone, where I am free to write anything I want in whatever way I like about everything I see or hear anywhere. I brought my rebellion to my Facebook Notes space, and I was eager to post it.

Buried in the middle of the devotion from "Mailer 21" was this quote:

Nothing so hinders us in what we are doing as to be longing after something else; in so doing, we leave off tilling our own field, to drive the plough through our neighbour's land, where we must not look to reap a harvest; and this is a mere waste of time. If our thoughts and hopes are elsewhere, it is impossible for us to set our faces steadily towards the work required of us.

-St. Francis de Sales

I whipped out a diatribe, a long complaint, full of reasons I should have a right to be whining, a right to be "ploughing through our neighbour's land" instead of tending my own responsibilities. And in this Note I wrote so immediately, the blame for every one of my complaints landed squarely on my husband's shoulders. If he weren't off ploughing in another field somewhere all the time I wouldn't be left to slave away alone through life, and would have no reason to have placed my "thoughts and hopes elsewhere". I railed at the world, at de Sales, at anybody who might be brave enough to read my Note. And I was sure gonna "tag" a lot of Facebook people on this one, so they'd come by and read it and leeeearn from me. (Picture eyes glaring here.)

I began to go down through my list of "Friends", looking for my victims. They were going to see just how deserving I was of another plough mate, they were. So that when my announcement came that I was leaving this field, they would understand why. Oh yes, I was going to lay the groundwork well for my escape. I chose some close "Friends" and some whom I was sure would understand. Then I closed the window.

But I closed the WRONG window! Without saving my Note!

I posted a complaint in the comment section in Facebook, under Kathy's "Mailer 21" post on her "Wall". How dare this happen to me! I had words of WISDOM to share with everyone!

Then I went on with my day, getting my daughter ready for college, went to bed and woke up extra early the next day (who knows why, just what we do at this age I guess). I came to visit my Facebook "Friends" again as usual, and saw my little post under Kathy's message. I re-read "Mailer 21", and it struck me that I had COMPLETELY missed the message the day before. I had been focusing on the fact that I look longingly at other people's lives and wish mine were like theirs, when really the message is about something else entirely. Envy of others is in there, but what I was finally hit squarely in the brain with was this: I have been focusing totally on my husband's dire shortcomings, and very largely ignoring my own. I have been working so hard to change him, or change this situation somehow, that I have given up tending this field altogether.

My home is in disarray, dirt and dust everywhere, items strewn on the floor, counters, in the garage, up in the bedrooms. No order in any room. I do not keep a schedule of cleaning or cooking or mending. I go about on every whim of my own, making sure always to be there for my children, but completely ignoring my husband's wishes, which I have seen as demands. Yes, he does have his faults, and yes they are a little dire. But it is evident to me now that in focusing solely on his I have neglected my own, and also neglected the gifts I've been given: "...and this is a mere waste of time."

I took a good look at MY field for a change: I do not sing (I am a professional classical soloist), except when I am in church or at choir, which meets only rarely in summer. I have not finished a needlework project since Christmas (I often give needlework gifts to bless), except the frantically stitched bookmarks I recently whipped out for my daughter and her friends as a send-off. I make no plans for activities for myself or my family. I have not touched the flowers I planted outdoors as an afterthought last spring. Basically, I have not been tilling MY field at all for at least six months, probably 1 to 2 years. And for several years there has sat above our bedroom window a bare, bay window-shaped curtain rod, hung there firmly by my husband at my bidding, his fervent wish to have window coverings in our bedroom ignored by me in my frenzy of self-centered activities years earlier, then altogether forgotten.

I've been ploughing through my husband's land, which has made it impossible for me to set my face steadily towards the work required of me. This thought struck all in a twinkling. I do not know why. Perhaps God just suddenly got tired of the carrot, and didn't want to use a stick like on a donkey, but decided to blind me with the truth for a change. I do tend to be a "hit me in the head with a 2X4" sort of person. But it was just a twinkling of a 2X4, so I had lots of chances to forget it if I chose.

But I didn't choose. And God chose not to let me either. This blinding with the light of truth occurred on Tuesday. On Wednesday we took our firstborn, incredibly amazing, somewhat nervous yet more excited that ever daughter to college. It's just up the road nine miles (so our neighbor who works there tells us), but it really is a separating that occurs when one puts one's first fledgling out of the nest and hopes and prays she really will fly, as you think you have taught her, but aren't quite certain until you see it happen, which you won't for several months yet.

This was a new experience for me and my husband. We were in process, metamorphosis, ourselves. So much thinking goes into the changes the little baby bird is going to go through, but the parent birds have a part in these changes as well. I learned the first day of our daughter's college life that if we remain the same as ever we will be guilty of "helicopter parenting". So we must change along with her.

Two days was all it took. No, not even that, for at the end of the first I knew it had happened. I did not know what, but I knew something had happened. For as we left the dorm room where our girl was busy settling in and getting to know her room mate better, and we walked away with only our son, there was a feeling of something parting, something not of our doing, something not just of leaving or taking, but also creating, giving, but something irrevocable occurring.

We took our son home where he didn't have to listen to any old, boring-to-any-15-year-old-boy-and-many-adults speeches, and suddenly we were a couple again, wandering the hills of southwest Portland in summer. What a beautiful day it was! Gradually, without saying a word, the two of us, ever so slightly, began to pull back toward each other. Something was gone, and something remembered. Neither said a word about it, I guess not to break the spell. We found our spirits meeting in this new, sort of scary, somewhat painful experience we were sharing. I stopped thinking about his faults. I stopped thinking at all. I just wanted to stay in this place where we were actually working together, alongside each other, for the common goal of launching our baby girl into the world.

That night when we came home, we shared a movie together with our son in peace and harmony for the first time in years. I sat and simply relaxed. Oh my feet were sore and there were some other very good reasons we sat quietly and relaxed!

But in my mind the clanging of alarm bells was silenced.

There was peace, impossible peace, shalom peace, whole peace.

And I remembered Kathy's "Mailer 21" and the words of Francis de Sales.

The second day was even better than the first. As we attended classes together without our son, while our daughter attended her own orientation activities, we drew together again, silently friendly once more. We were a couple again. Amazingly. Unbelievably. And I began to plan how I would plough this field that is mine by gift. The first thing I'd do was exchange my old, rusty, beat-up, out-dated plough for a new one: trade in my broken heart for a new heart. I'd got a new lease on life, really, a new outlook, and I was not going to be afraid to use it! At the end of that second day I marveled at the mere idea that I had seriously thought of ploughing in another field.

I looked around my home yesterday, and I decided it is time to get out of it. I don't mean move out, I mean get out where there are people during the day. I realized I have been stewing in my own juices for far, far too long; I've been wallowing in the mire of my own discontent instead of bringing my wounds into the open and letting them heal. I've been ploughing over the same plot of rocky ground for years and years, really, not wanting to get entangled in other endeavors, yet neither doing a good job of ploughing THIS field. I've been like a mule on the threshing floor, threshing the same wheat for so long it has turned into muck, especially as I've never quite cleaned out my own muck.

I look out now with a new purpose on the world. Anything I can find to do, that I am able to do, will do, and I will do it. My purpose is not only to keep us solvent, my purpose is filled with my heart's desire, which has always been to make this house a home. These two bright days in the middle of such a dark week of my life, darkened by my ingrown decisions, have become the hinge on which all my life turns. These two days were full of growth, leave-taking, reconnoitering, sloughing off the old, putting on the new, and promises. These two days in the middle of this week are bright and shining, so bright I can taste the joy and the life and the vitality to come.

But they were only possible because a tiny seed was planted by the words of a "Friend", whom I hope to someday truly call a Friend, who sent a Word through cyberspace in a thing called "Mailer 21".

Long my imprisoned spirit lay,

Fast bound in sin and nature’s night;

Thine eye diffused a quickening ray—

I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;

My chains fell off, my heart was free,

I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.

My chains fell off, my heart was free,

I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.

Charles Wesley, 1738

My heart is changed. My eyes are opened. My chains fall off.

And I am thankful.

Late Summer

I feel like late summer in a Southern California city - when all the moisture's been sucked out of you and all your summer play has been done - before you remember there's anything good about going back to school.

I feel like the paved wash that runs behind the house I grew up in - driven over all day, nothing but dried concrete, no flexibility at all to my life, grey and old and unattractive, a place to collect litter, waiting at the backs of properties forever, separated from all the action by an ugly, dark, high fence, allowed a glimpse here and there of the old places through chain links, where there are orchards and horses - also old and waiting ...

It used to serve a purpose - water flowed down it, bringing life to the plain, by-passing the properties it would have eroded, carrying its tumultuous energy away from field and home. The wash protected and nurtured. Later another way was made to carry the water - or maybe the dam made it unnecessary. So the wash became a street, full of cement almost up to its edges, but not quite, in case there should still be need of it when the January rains fall. And there was, every year, behind my house the cars fairly swam down the sudden river that appeared when the California rain that "never rains, it pours" came pouring down for one entire day. Then the wash was a wash again, not just dried up old Peck Rd.

But at the end of summer, when we were all used up with our summer beach trips and church camp and family vacations, Peck Rd. was just a dumping ground for summer's cast-offs. There were no more activities at the church that bordered it for a space. The Mayflower Market held no more mystery for us as we'd visited it daily for 2 months. Besides we were out of allowance. The hot, dry, August sun beat down on its unrelieved greyness, intensified between the high fences, drying every dream to stillness. No friends came down that way that month if they could possibly get their mothers to drive them. The bikes lay unused around the back yard while we were at a friend's pool. All the fun was somewhere else.

Like me. All my life has passed out into other places. Nothing happens here. No music, no dancing, so sewing pretty things .... I am good for one thing and one thing only - money. I must take myself away from the center of my life - my home I have tried to make for this family, but which I've never had time to truly attend to - and go out into the hard world, where everything is as grey and as inflexible and as friendless as Peck Rd. in late summer.

Nothing but steam rollers pass over me now. I wait here to be used, by people or nature, and nothing comes here but trash. If there is hope it is only for the death of old leaves, the Fall, because then the Santa Anas will blow down the leaves and huge palm branches, and at least that howling music will fill my canyon of hopelessness. Then sometimes November brings rain, and sometimes the children have a day off and skate down my straight surface and I hear their precious laughter once again. I will see the foothills snow capped in December, until the January rains fill me up with would-be floods running down to the San Gabriel River and Arrow Highway, where the dead tumbleweeds will be carried on its crest, over the white flint rocks that lie waiting to be rolled. The rains come and wash away the litter. They wash away the dead leaves. They leave me clean again, ready for the spring in February, when camellia bushes near the high fences will bloom and drop their petals to be carried here by a February rain.

But it's a long, long day until that. For now the only activities to look forward to are the September fires, when people will gather all around and look up my clear view to see which foothill is burning and how much. Have the fire trucks made it there yet? Are there any homes threatened? And the smell of the smoke will be carried down my straight, unobstructed way and frighten a young girl in the house at the corner of the church property so she can't sleep, or dreams of fires trapping her.

I am a used up, old, paved over, unwanted, neglected, dried up wash. The only time I'm needed is in a crisis, and then - oh ho! - I'd better be clear! No one wants me for myself, a nurturer and an artist. My time is almost past. How will I remain in the future? For I am not made of concrete, am not fixed in this place. I am a human woman with a will and a way and feet to carry me the way I will. I have no cement stamina for sticking in hard places without a clear motive. I will one day up and leave.

And then what?

HEAR THE WORD OF THE LORD:

Psalm 95

O come let us sing for joy to the Lord;

Let us shout joyfully to the rock of our salvation.

Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving;

Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms.

For the Lord is a great God,

And a great King above all gods,

In whose hand are the depths of the earth;

The peaks of the mountains are His also.

The sea is His, for it was He who made it;

And His hands formed the dry land.

Come, let us worship and bow down;

Let us kneel before the Lord our maker.

For He is our God,

And we are the people of His pasture,

And the sheep of His hand.

Today if you would hear His voice,

DO NOT HARDEN YOUR HEARTS, AS AT MERIBAH,

As in the day of Massah in the wilderness;

"When your fathers tested Me,

They tried Me, though they had seen my work.

For forty years I loathed that generation,

And said they are a people who err in their heart.

And they do not know My ways.

Therefore I swore in My anger,

Truly they shall not enter into My rest."

Knowledge...

"Take my instruction and not silver, and knowledge rather than choicest gold." Proverbs 8:10

"I, wisdom, dwell with prudence, and I find knowledge and discretion." Proverbs 8:12

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Proverbs 9:10

I spoke with a woman at the party last night who is diabetic. The symptoms she described were exactly like John was when we first noticed the problem. Sweating, shaking, tics, weird thinking... She said he deserves to have a blood glucose test, not just a simple blood test, especially as we have a history of blood sugar problems in the family. I wonder if Dr. Pang would do it ... Or maybe it was a temporary thing that has resolved, but the drugs they all gave him caused the problems he is now stuck with.

Knowledge, knowledge... without it we are doomed to do horrible, unspeakable damage to our children! We depend on You, omniscient God, and You leave us adrift in a swindling world who acknowledges You none at all. I wish I could take just one bite of the apple from THAT tree, just enough to tell me exactly what is wrong with my son and just how to cure it!!

But I must leave it all to You, great and powerful One who chooses weakness.

Praise Your name.

A Home Coming

Praise God the Father who bestows All gifts to us in love, below --

I am so glad to be here again! We have a view out across the slough, so beautiful, especially when the sun is shining. Listening to English Country Dance music and looking at that view yesterday, it was almost a déjà vu, but wasn't. It was a memory of such happy times, but I never was that happy here all those years ago... or was I?

Why do we only reach appreciation for what we've been given when we can no longer have it? Is it simply because we forget the negatives that came along with it? Or is it a punishment for focusing on negatives in the first place, or for something else? Or maybe we can't see the beautiful forest because someone planted ugly trees to obstruct our vision, which are only gone when we've past through?

I miss Momma and Daddy here so very much. I want to cry when I come over the big, green bridge, so high above the Bay, remembering when we brought our kids to visit Granny and Grandpa for the first time. We drive into North Bend, but veer left and continue down 101 to Motel 6 or Best Western. I'm not to go into the mobile park, driving slowly because Daddy doesn't want me to make his neighbors mad, notice the changes in his friends' single-wides, see the improvements he's made on his home, enjoy the Christmas lights strung along the bushes that line his drive, say "hi" to Mom's swans in the front yard, greet Daddy and Momma with hugs and kisses at the gate, Wally Wags, yipping excitedly at our feet. No, never again.

This is our great sorrow while we dwell below.

But in Heaven, "Oh, what a gathering!"

What a Friend!

What a friend we have in Jesus,

All our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry

Everything to God in prayer!

Oh, what peace we often forfeit,

Oh, what needless pain we bear,

All because we do not carry

Everything to God in prayer!

Have we trials and temptations?

Is there trouble anywhere?

We should never be discouraged—

Take it to the Lord in prayer.

Can we find a friend so faithful,

Who will all our sorrows share?

Jesus knows our every weakness;

Take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy-laden,

Cumbered with a load of care?

Precious Savior, still our refuge—

Take it to the Lord in prayer.

Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?

Take it to the Lord in prayer!

In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,

Thou wilt find a solace there.

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised

Thou wilt all our burdens bear;

May we ever, Lord, be bringing

All to Thee in earnest prayer.

Soon in glory bright, unclouded,

There will be no need for prayer—

Rapture, praise, and endless worship

Will be our sweet portion there.

/

Joseph M. Scriven

Friendship is sacred to me. Somehow I have seemed to have lost most of my friends over the years. I went one way and they went another, and life got so busy we just lost contact and that was that.

Friends can hurt like no others, all unwitting. Friendship provides growth ground unequaled by any other relationship but that of marriage. Families are easier, as you have no choice about those, and you can get out of those easier than a very good, very long-lived friendship. Families expect you to go your own way now and then. But friendships can be cloying, controlling, manipulating, and abusive, all in the name of friendship. Misunderstandings abound, and trust is lost.

I find myself pulling back from relationships under these circumstances. "Just let me be alone!" my soul exclaims. But there is One who seeks me out, and won't allow me to remain in my den, nursing my real or imagined wounds. There is one Friend who knows me to the bone, and who will never betray my trust. I never need shrink from His presence, He never suggests what would hurt, His ways are gentle and full of peace.

Jesus is the Friend of sinners, the rest for the weary, the lighthouse for the lost, the pilot over my shoulder. When others would steer me toward their own goals, He whispers, "Peace, be still! and know that I AM God."

When my soul suffers a blow - a purpose crisis, an identity question - I need only return to the place where I hear only one Voice, the Voice of my truest Friend. It's only His opinion I need, only His love that feeds, only His presence I crave. I go looking for them in my human friends, and I am disappointed sometimes. But when I go back to the "Circle of Quiet", as Madeleine L'Engle put it, I am never disappointed.

Keep me true on the path with You, dear Friend. Let me not stray away for long, pull me back when I've aimed my little boat at the wrong target: the approval of anyone but You. And thank You for being my one true Friend.

With love from your simple friend,

Patty

Job 19:19 All my intimate friends detest me; those I love have turned against me. Job 29:4 Oh, for the days when I was in my prime, when God's intimate friendship blessed my house, Job 42:10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.

Psalm 55:12-14 (New International Version)

¹² If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him.

¹³ But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend,

¹⁴ with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

cProverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Proverbs 18:24 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

Proverbs 27:9 Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.

Ecclesiastes 4:10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Song of Solomon 5:16 His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my lover, this my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.

Jeremiah 9:4 "Beware of your friends; do not trust your brothers. For every brother is a deceiver, and every friend a slanderer.

Jeremiah 9:5 Friend deceives friend, and no one speaks the truth. They have taught their tongues to lie; they weary themselves with sinning.

Jeremiah 38:22 'They misled you and overcame you— those trusted friends of yours. Your feet are sunk in the mud; your friends have deserted you.'

Lamentations 1:2 Bitterly she weeps at night, tears are upon her cheeks. Among all her lovers there is none to comfort her. All her friends have betrayed her; they have become her enemies.

Micah 7:5 Do not trust a neighbor; put no confidence in a friend. Even with her who lies in your embrace be careful of your words.

Matthew 26:50 Jesus replied, "Friend, do what you came for."

Luke 5:20 When Jesus saw their faith, he said, "Friend, your sins are forgiven."

Luke 21:16 You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death.

John 3:29 The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete.

John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

John 15:14 You are my friends if you do what I command.

John 15:15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

James 2:23 And the scripture was fulfilled that says, "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness," and he was called God's friend.

James 4:4 You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.

Wasting Time

I am wasting time. I didn't know that was what I was doing until my husband decided to tell me. "Get this boy off to school!" he shouts down the stairs. I am currently formulating a well worded message to his algebra teacher, who is under the impression that taking an algebra test over again without any studying in between can improve the score. "Why isn't this boy out the door yet?!" comes the next hurled query. "He is not feeling well," is my answer. "Quit wasting time and get him in the car!" is the unstudied response. I can feel my ire begin to rise. "Wasting time." I have just read that my son can take the proffered redo test at a later date, if necessary. I am taking the time to communicate to his teacher by email just why it may not be a good idea for him to take it today, choosing my words carefully. "Wasting time." Right. I am wasting time now. My son is definitely not going to make it to school today, so when I have finished the message and sent it on its way to the unsuspecting, unenlightened algebra teacher, I stay a while to connect with friends on Facebook. I'm wasting time. One friend asks if my husband is on Facebook. "What a joke!" I think. I inform her that he considers socializing "wasting time". I waste some more time socializing with some more friends on Facebook. Dear people from long, long ago who live far, far away. These are people who are precious to my soul and with whom I would rarely converse otherwise, because time and distance steals familiarity. But they are gems in my treasure box I am not willing to give up soon, after at long last contacting them in this newfangled way that brings them so close every day. So I waste some more time. In about 15 minutes of wasted time I turn my Facebook page to searching out references to Brother Lawrence, with whom I have recently become acquainted and whose writings I am beginning to read. This is soul food. But "wasting time" is all some will see in it. Some plan every minute of every day full of work. "There is way too much too be done," they say, "to relax and enjoy myself even for five minutes!" I have tried that way of life. It is not for me. Others conduct their days according to this motto: "If you want a thing done right, you have to do it yourself." And they want everything done "right" - that is, according to their specifications. So of course there is never time to interject anything pleasant, relaxing, or soul filling into their day. The work must be done! None of this time wasting Facebook stuff for them! Why, next thing you know, you could be sitting in front of the screen all day, actually communicating with people you haven't seen since 3rd grade or something. That might lead to conversations that could unleash forgotten hurts, guilt, or longings you had buried under mountains of living to forget. Yeah, you don't have time to deal with all that stuff. Push it further under! Or you might meet someone interesting who could help you along your way, like a businessman or woman say, who could become so interested in what you do they offer to fund your next project. Then what would you have to complain about? No, better stay the island you've been all these years, plodding alone through your day, complaining about how poorly everyone else does his or her job on the way, nursing your old wounds, relying on your old addictions, never wasting any time making or keeping friends. That's far easier, because then you know you have everything under control and you know exactly what tomorrow will look like and you have nothing to worry about, not even wasting time. But that's not me. I love "wasting time" being in community with friends and family. They are the life's blood of my existence. I was born an extremely social creature, and I have always chosen to remain so. I have given up careers to remain so. I have given up fame to remain so. I will always be so, thanks be to God the Creator. So please don't try and tell me I'm wasting time, when what I am doing is being in communion, something consecrated by our Lord in the Upper Room around 2000 years ago. If you think I am wasting time, try holding yourself up to His standard, and see which lifestyle seems most like His. And if you decide "wasting time" is something that could benefit your life, come on over to my Facebook page. I'll be glad to "friend" you. Simply yours, Patty http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?v=feed&id=1434576718

I Was Glad!

Psalm 122 1 I was glad when they said unto me, Let us go into the house of the LORD. 2 Our feet shall stand within thy gates, O Jerusalem. 3 Jerusalem is builded as a city that is compact together: 4 Whither the tribes go up, the tribes of the LORD, unto the testimony of Israel, to give thanks unto the name of the LORD. 5 For there are set thrones of judgment, the thrones of the house of David. 6 Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: they shall prosper that love thee. 7 Peace be within thy walls, and prosperity within thy palaces. 8 For my brethren and companions' sakes, I will now say, Peace be within thee. 9 Because of the house of the LORD our God I will seek thy good. I love this Psalm, and not least because I first learned it in the choir at Bethany Church of Sierra Madre. Or was it Tustin Pres? I remember it was a great big choir, and they could sing rings around most church choirs at the time. Years later I encountered it once again in Pennsylvania, where I was singing in the choir of Palm Lutheran Church, so named because it was created on Palm Sunday, though apt because it was located in Palmyra. The director was the organist, and was also Mennonite. I remember before the service that day he brought to mind news from Israel, bombings and war, and said this Psalm anthem was all the more poignant. He urged us to truly be in prayer "for the peace of Jerusalem". Last year I participated in our Women's Spring Bible Study, in which we studied the Psalms of Ascent in a devotional series by Beth Moore called Stepping Up. It was truly a turning point in my life, about which I wrote on this blog. I learned to put myself in these Psalms as the travelers to Jerusalem would have. I learned so much about their richness, which we miss without knowing their history. At that time I was feeling a call toward home, in more ways than one. I had just visited my childhood haunts in Southern California, and was full of homesickness, and I was feeling the beginnings of a great nesting urge that comes at this age, some have told me. And still I was feeling the homelessness I've felt since we first left the places of our childhood. In addition, and perhaps most importantly, my heart thought it caught a voice calling me home to my faith. In the year that has come between these intuitions and my present situation, so very much transpired that seemed to lead in the opposite direction from home. Multiple musical opportunities, which I would have given much for in prior years, especially when the children were babies, presented themselves without my asking. I seemed to have reached a plateau where I found myself interacting with the best of the best in my field, and without so much effort as in the past. They and I were simply there, together, on the same plain. Was this not a sign that I was supposed to take that direction? So much happened in our family since that time last spring when I knew exactly in what direction I was meant to go. Everything that happened made me doubt. I doubted my intuition. I doubted my abilities. I doubted my identity. I doubted my usefulness. I doubted my marriage. I doubted my God. I followed the rabbit of self-fulfillment down his hole for many months. I leaned unto my own understanding. In the midst of my explorations, I completely forgot the lessons learned in Stepping Up, totally lost the peace and fellowship of my sisters bonded by that time together in study and prayer. My words about the Psalms of Ascent lay fallow on my blog, and I forgot my own writings which sprang from the depths of my innermost soul. And God let me wander. Someone has said God gives us enough rope to hang ourselves; or He gives us just enough to go as far as we need away from Him to realize we want to turn around. And when we do, the rope is there. I believe this after this year. God let me go so far down those rabbit holes! But then by grace I turned around. I heard a whisper, felt a nudge, came to the end of the rope. There was no other choice. I turned around. I remember the sheer joy in the voices of the choirs I've sung this Psalm with. For years I've wished our director would choose more of the old anthems, as we certainly have the choir to handle them. Last spring I asked her about this one, but haven't seen it emerge. Maybe one day she will think of it, but I remember well enough for myself. A great shout and a holy joy: "I WAS GLAD..... I WAS GLAD..... I WAS GLAD when they said unto me ......!!" Yes! I am GLAD!! "Our feet are standing within thy gates, O Jerusalem! Pray for the peace of Jerusalem. They prosper who love thee. Peace be within these walls...." Amen!

Waiting....

Psalm 130:6 (New International Version)

⁶ My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.

"My soul waits..." and waits.... and waits...... "How long, O Lord?" I need an answer TODAY. I needed it YESTERDAY. But You give nothing. I seek advice among the beloved friends You gave me, but their advice sets my head spinning.

"Listen to the Lord's voice."

"Just Do It!"

"Follow your heart."

"Do what's good for your kids."

"You need that on your resume."

"Be yourself."

"Shut down ALL the voices and listen only for HIS."

I try to follow that last one especially. But there is nothing. I shut down all the voices still spinning in my head, and there is nothing.

I lie on the bed at 3:00 am and wait.... and wait... and wait.. There is nothing. I turn toward the window when I hear the birds begin to wake up and sing. There is light coming in the sky, beginning to turn the few leftover clouds to that magical morning color someone once called "sky-blue-pink", with a touch of gold: God's gold, I once read in a beautiful book. And the birds sing.

"My soul waits for the Lord." I pray. And pray some more. I try listening again, but one of the voices suddenly begins to chatter. I roll over, shutting it down once more, and another begins. Back to the window.

"My soul waits for the Lord, more than watchmen wait for the morning." I'm waiting for the morning too.

Perhaps that's my problem. I'm waiting for the morning, when I need to be waiting for the Lord.

How I love the morning! Especially in summer, and today is like summer, after the rain...

"...like the tender grass springing out of the earth, by clear shining, after rain, after rain, after rain...."

I've been waiting for the morning when I could have been waiting for the Lord. Nevertheless He comes, waiting or not. Just like the sun, after rain.

The answer has been lurking around in and through all my questions the whole time. It was in my counseling sessions twice, it was in a conversation with my sister. It was in my initial decision. And it's still there. I'm just afraid to take it.

So I wait for the Lord. Now the morning's come. I wait for the Lord. More than watchmen wait for the morning.

And He is faithful.

"He that ruleth over men must be just, ruling in the fear of God.

"And he shall be as the light of the morning, when the sun riseth, even a morning without clouds; as the tender grass springing out of the earth by clear shining after rain.

"Although my house be not so with God; yet he hath made with me an everlasting covenant, ordered in all things, and sure: for this is all my salvation, and all my desire, although he make it not to grow." 2 Samuel 3-5

I'm waiting...

Hey again

Ok, so I have no idea whatsoever how that last post had its font changed to whatever those symbols are, and I can't even find an edit button on my blog page to fix it! I just came back to this annoying blog site because a friend mentioned how easy blogspot is, so I thought maybe I was missing something. Strangely, it seems worse than before, when I decided it costs me too much time to make it readable. I will have to just explore around till I can make something worthy of looking at out of this. I've got the hang of Facebook so well, though, I may not bother with this at all, if it keeps bugging me. I may shut it down and start anew with something else entirely. I dunno.

Aha. I think I'm finding it all again, maybe even better. Gotta go address announcements to my daughter's graduation. Ciao!

Just Posting

I'm just posting today. I'm trying to figure out how my friend makes her blog look so nice, while I spend hours and hours on mine and it looks like a kid cut and pasted it together. I don't understand this. Guess I just wasn't meant to be online. But this is where I'm at, so give me a break, ok? I'm back only temporarily, I think, until I can find a blog that actually works. Doesn't seem to matter if I'm using a Mac or a PC, this stuff just isn't intuitive. And I'm intuitive. Not much else, but yes, intuitive. So I need an intuitive web program, or whatever these things are. Well, better go back to figuring out what my place in this world is all about. Bye for now! Simply yours, Patty P.S. Oh, just one little thing I meant to say: God is good. All the time.